Letting Your Man Define You on Valentine’s Day—Why?

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

Valentines-Day-crafts

Wanting to be liked is important to all of us, and yes, we’re feeling the pressure on Valentine’s Day.

But for you, and for many other women, this desire can move from wanting to be liked to desperately needing to be liked once a man enters the picture. For this, you pay a huge price—you give up your power to figure out what is best for you!

Your Toxic Girly Thoughts In Action

When the way we are supposed to act and, very importantly, how we are supposed to look become decisions we allow someone else makes for us, we give up our personal power. We do this because of the negative self-talk we invite to reside in our heads, and I call these ideas toxic girly thoughts.

Read this post from Brittaney about how she allowed her boyfriend to govern:

  • the length of her hair
  • the color of her hair
  • her makeup
  • her clothes
  • her weight
  • even her tattoos

http://www.upmoments.com/her-boyfriend-makes-fun-of-her-appearance

Stop Listening

Brittaney stopped listening to her toxic girly thoughts—but how?

The answer is to tune into your Resilient Voice, the part of you that knows what is right for you, the part of you that your toxic girly thoughts try to drown out.

This Valentine’s Day, try this:

  • If your boyfriend wants you to have short hair when you like your hair better long, choose what you like and makes you feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror.
  • When he wants you to have blonde hair and you like it auburn, wear your hair the color you think best expresses who you are.

And if you think he’s the makeup artist you’ve been waiting for, or the medical personnel you’ve needed to guide you in health care decisions, or the dress designer who knows better than you what looks best on you … well …

Think again, and maybe, consider a new boyfriend. Now that could make for a good Valentine’s Day.

Now say: I know what is best for me.

Because you really do!
??Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

 

 

 

His Affair—Your Fault?

She couldn’t satisfy her husband.

-Trump speaking about Hillary

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

picisto-20150723161444-964679

A presidential hopeful challenges his possible rival about her sexual desirability and blames her for her husband’s affairs.

Is this message of a woman’s responsibility for something familiar to you? Do you stifle your infuriation because this sounds right?

Where’s your outrage?

Why You Don’t Feel Angry

You are marketed ongoing messages about your desirability. These messages suggests you should be measured by how you act and look . . . and you internalize these messages and then use to judge yourself and other women.

I’ve named this toxic internalization girly thoughts. Why name this internal trash talk so common to women? Because once you can name something, you have control over it.

Having a name means you can easily identify when you are doing something and can then stop yourself from listening, and acting upon, your toxic girly thoughts.

But this isn’t a free ride. There are consequences for not believing your toxic girly thoughts. You could be seen as brash, even unlikeable if you don’t “play the game,” or thought of as “yelling” when you clearly state your point of view, particularly when you disagree with the others around you.

Stop Listening to Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

Are you up for a challenge?

This can be a fun exercise, especially in this year of presidential campaigning.

  • Identify the toxic girly thoughts that campaigners are using to put women in general and women candidates in their place.
  • Share what you are hearing with your friends, family, and co-workers.
  • Call candidates out on statements that reinforce toxic girly thoughts, those messages that are negative and harmful to women.

No, you don’t have to write a letter, but it’s an option. You can use:

        • Twitter
        • Facebook
        • Other social media platforms

Yes, you’ll get blowback, you may even be trolled on Twitter, but so what? That’s a sure sign your comments are reaching others and they are hearing you say NO to toxic girly thoughts.

And please link me to any of your comments. We can follow each other on Twitter. I will retweet your outrage and share your thoughts on Facebook.

Now repeat after me: Yes, I will!

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Want to Be a Millionaire? Stop Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

austin geidt
Austin Geidt credits her road to sobriety with her success in developing Uber. But that’s not the whole story. Let’s understand what she is saying in terms of how this journey also helped her re-define herself as a woman.

Her road to recovery had her going back to basics, dropping out of college, and getting help for her drug addiction. But it also resulted in her graduating college at age twenty-five with a blank resume. Her lack of experience didn’t stop her.

Being Resilient, Not Discouraged

Was she discouraged? No. She was proud of her sobriety, and this hard-fought journey helped her know that she had many skills, that she was resilient. Austin began looking for a job and answered a tweet about an internship in a new start-up. She was Uber’s #4 employee, and today she’s a top executive.

Trusting Who You Truly Are—Not What Your Toxic Girly Thoughts Say

Austin began her new career by using what she’d learned in her recovery on the job and by being who she knew herself to be. As a result, she didn’t fall into the trap common to so many young women professionals: listening to the guidance of toxic girly thoughts that tell them how they should look and how they should act in order to be acceptable.

Here is what she learned and credits for her success:

  • Perspective. She is very proud of her work, her accomplishments, and her team, but she is most proud of herself and her recovery. She doesn’t define herself by outside standards, like toxic girly thoughts coach women to do.
  • Directness and Honesty. Austin doesn’t focus on being liked, a common toxic girly thought that trips women up in their personal lives and at work.
  • Goals. She believes that humility, rather than the “self-importance” of toxic girly thoughts, informs your “measure of success.”

Want to be inspired? Watch her video interview with Fortune Magazine:

http://fortune.com/video/2015/12/02/uber-austin-geidt-sobriety/

And read her interview in Business Insider:

http://www.businessinsider.com/ubers-austin-geidts-insane-life-2015-12

Have you met someone who embodies the idea of personal resilience, someone who overcame her self-defeating and toxic girly thoughts to embrace her personal power? Maybe that someone is you? I invite you to share your story in the comments, or email me at girlythoughtsdetox@gmail.com.

??Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

 

Girly Thought #1: I’m Fat = A Sure Way NOT to Lose Weight in the New Year

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

“Awareness, not deprivation, informs what you eat.” —Geneen Roth

Yes, over the holidays you ate more than you wished you had, and now you feel . . . fat.

Girly Thought #1: I’m Fat

Become aware that the multi-billion dollar diet industry has ramped up, telling you that you need to lose weight, hoping you will buy their no-effort-required books, shakes, pills, plans, magazines.

Their marketing strategy feeds your toxic girly thought’, causing you to internalize corporate images of beauty that make you feel less than, which increase your stress and your eating.

So what do you do? You sign up for the plan or shake, buy the new book, or purchase the magazine (many of which have photos of tantalizing desserts on the cover), as you collapse in exhaustion and then eat a treat because you are stressed.

To Lose Weight, Lose Those Girly Thoughts

Most women are stress eaters. So if you want to lose weight, you have two choices:

  • Go on a diet, which will only increase your stress because you eat when you are stressed, or
  • Commit to doing a 10-Day Detox to change your thinking and lose the cause of your stress—those harmful girly thoughts!

Make this next year about losing your girly thoughts—and watch those pounds melt away.

Now say: “Yes, I can.”

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

5 Girly Thoughts™ that Increase Your Holiday Stress

holiday-stress-hero

It’s the happy holiday season, and you’re already feeling the pressure. If you’re like most of us, you’re already hearing that inner voice that pushes you to do more, reminding you that it is up to you to make this a holiday season to remember while telling you that no matter what you’re doing, it is not enough.

How Your Girly Thoughts Turn Up the Holiday Pressure

I’ve named this toxic, negative self-talk your girly thoughts. Girly thoughts function as an internal gauge of perfection against which you measure yourself, and guess what? You find yourself falling short from where you feel you should be.

Here is what your girly thoughts are telling you and what you can do about them:
1. Everyone I know needs a card and a personal note from me. Let’s face it: in this day of digital communication, a handwritten note is a lovely indication of your caring. But having a self-expectation of sending a handwritten note to everyone you know when you now clearly do not send out notes regularly?

Consider writing a lovely email letter and sending this out instead.
2. I need to make home-cooked, memorable meals, and glorious desserts like the one pictured above. The belief that every meal needs to be a masterpiece gets in the way of actually enjoying the meal. If you don’t enjoy it, neither will anyone else.

Instead, tell yourself: I need to make meals I will enjoy. Consider:

  • Serving some ready-made foods
  • Saying yes when guests ask if they can bring something
  • Preparing simpler recipes

3. I must look fabulous. The pressure to look good is always with us; in fact, “I’m fat” is girly thought #1. Time to detox!
Change this to: I need to feel comfortable. Too tired after a day of working and an evening of cooking to wear those heels to the party? Ditch them.

4. I must attend every holiday event, concert, and party. Yes, this is the season of making merry, but that means you want to feel merry as well.

Consider setting reasonable limits on what you will and will not do. Notice the emphasis is not on what you can do but what you will do.
5. I must find the perfect gift that says I love them. Ah, the perfect gift. No pressure here.

Change this to acknowledging each recipient’s specialness, and stay tuned for a blog on gift giving.

Give Yourself a Gift for the Holidays—Detox from Your Girly Thoughts

Girly thoughts act like a conduit through which all your discomfort, all the stresses of your life, are filtered, and the holidays just magnify that discomfort.

So this holiday season, give yourself a great gift: stop listening to that negative, toxic voice that tells you what you should do and instead look for ways to reduce your stress so you can experience all the joy of the season.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Embrace Your Spirit of Gratitude, Not Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

I express infinite love and gratitude at all times

We are really living in our minds . . . where we’re not really connected to the world around us, nor centered in our own body or being
-—Elyse Santilli

The holiday season is stressful. We often worry about things that might happen, ruminate about what happened in holidays past, and see others as judging us.

We do this through the lens we use to judge ourselves, which is often filtered through our toxic girly thoughts—how we internalize societal values of beauty and accomplishment—and we use these negative thoughts to essentially torment ourselves. Yes, our thoughts do distort our connection to our world and to ourselves.

Projecting Our Worst Fears

Ask yourself if you’ve ever worried about things like:

  • your cookies not being as good as the year before;
  • your in-laws still talking about your husband’s ex, who was so loving;
  • the weight you gained last holiday season, which you are still walking around with; or
  • how you will measure up to the other women at the holiday and family gatherings.

These are all examples of toxic girly thoughts, ideas that deprive you of feeling gratitude for what you do have by focusing you away from the present, away from your personal strengths and resilience.

Counteract Those Toxic Girly Thoughts!

Instead of focusing on your fears, try turning those negative messages around and focus on your gratitude.

Connecting with your spirit’ your essence—and not your toxic girly thoughts allows you to feel grateful. So instead of:

  • Worrying about how your cookies will be judged, enjoy that you still want to put in all the work to make them. Be grateful for the gift of your loving spirit that creates these gifts of love.
  • Remembering all the horrible things your in-laws have said about you, listen for the positive things and appreciate them for these thoughts, even if they are few. Be grateful for how they can love, even if it is more limited than you and your husband would like.
  • Feeling fat from last years’ holiday season, let your weight make you grateful that you are able to make different decisions about your food this holiday season. Embrace your spirit of change.
  • Worrying about other women at parties—just be your dazzling self. Yes, free your spirit to enjoy yourself instead of judging yourself. You’ll be, and will be seen, as much more attractive by embracing who you are.

Feeling grateful yet? Good, remember not listening to your toxic ‘girly thoughts’ is a gift you can give yourself this holiday season, and all 2016.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

When Life Knocks You Down, Use Your Personal Power to Overcome Toxic Girly Thoughts

Have you ever met someone and thought, “Wow, here’s someone without girly thoughts!”?

That’s not unusual for me. When I meet a woman for the first time, I quickly assess to see if she is measures herself against societal standards and the self-defeating thoughts I’ve named girly thoughts. I always silently applaud when I encounter someone who doesn’t. Alese is one such woman.

I recently met Alese at my gym. This small, thin young woman was pressing what looked to be more than her body weight, and I was in awe.

As we talked, I learned that Alese was able to get out from under her toxic girly thoughts (all those societal shoulds that have us doubting ourselves) by taking charge of her life. Alese is now a gym owner, personal trainer, and competitive power lifter who suffered from a severe eating disorder, misdiagnosed celiac disease, and bullying in school.

This battle resulted in my need to gain 50+ lbs and get strong while mentally battling the demons of my eating disorder that wanted to keep me at a too-low body weight. The bottom picture, on the left was me at 76 lbs. Picture on the right is me now at 128 lbs deadlifting 285-lb. at a recent powerlifting meet!

alese1

Strong Is the New Beautiful

Did I mention that Alese is also beautiful—and personable? We spoke about her considerable athletic skills and the drive it took to develop them.

Even though the experience I lived through with my own toxic girly thoughts was terrible, it led me to come full circle, and it birthed my love of powerlifting and also my career as a personal trainer. My struggle ended up being a blessing in the end.

alese2

Alese is a wonderful example of a woman who overcame her girly thoughts—the ones that whispered, “No, you can’t” and kept her buried in negativity—and embraced her resilience to achieve her goals. “Now it’s time for me to help others currently struggling with the same issues that once held me down,” she told me, and I’m excited to introduce you to her. Learn more at about Alese and her mission at www.socksandsquats.com, and follow her on Instagram @socksandsquats.

Have you met someone who embodies the idea of personal resilience, someone who overcame her self-defeating and toxic girly thoughts to embrace her personal power? Maybe that someone is you? I invite you to share your story in the comments, or email me at girlythoughtsdetox@gmail.com.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Challenge Toxic Girly Thoughts About Women’s Health—One Conversation At A Time

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
—Gloria Steinman

Are you aware that most drug studies are conducted on men? This has been true for testing even “routine” medications that are taken by both women and men. The reason always given is that women are more complicated because of … wait for it … their hormones. This makes women’s reaction to any medication more variable than men’s. So rather than invest in a more complex study design, companies have routinely taken the cheap way out and just studied men.

Pharmaceutical companies have gotten away with this, even though women are 51 percent of the population. Why, because women as a group haven’t commanded and demanded the attention every one of us deserves.

Women Go Along to Get Along

You’re tired from working during the day and coming home to your second shift. You struggle to make ends meet with lower pay than men. You feel pressured to magically stay young, beautiful, and appealing to your intimate partner forever. So it’s no wonder you aren’t ready to enter into another fight.

An unfortunate effect of internalizing society’s messages about being the good girl into your personal toxic soup of girly thoughts is this complacency, this belief that it’s better to go along to get along. Yet not speaking up has led to some ridiculous outcomes, including acceptance of nonsensical protocols for drug studies.

Why Are Men Used to Test for Drug Interaction for Addyi?

The drug interaction study for the new libido-enhancing drug just for women, Addyi, was tested in clinical studies on 23 men and only 2 women.

Really?

An article titled “Sexism In the Doctor’s Office Starts Here” discusses the common practice of testing pharmaceuticals on a significantly larger percentage of men than women. And this is nothing new: “Women have been excluded or underrepresented in medical and scientific research for as long as those fields have been studied.”

The statistics you’ll read in this article are staggering.

It’s time for women to stop accepting this sexist practice.

Ask Questions—Don’t Listen to Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

You don’t have to be the “good girl” and just accept a drug company’s word that a medication is safe for you. Instead:

When your doctor prescribes a medication, ask:

  • Has this drug been tested on women?
  • What are the specific side effects for women?
  • If you have an investment portfolio (individually or
  • through a group), ask the investment advisor:
  • Are drug companies included, and if they are, are women included in their clinical trials and in what percentage?

Imagine 51 percent of the population—women—asking these simple questions. Yes, change can happen if we all begin to challenge our toxic girly thoughts one conversation at a time.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

 

 

Toxic Girly Thoughts in the Boudoir: Not a Turn-On

Have you ever read anything on Facebook that caused you to tear up? Yesterday I had that experience when reading “Husband’s Heartwarming Response to Retouched Boudoir Photos of His Wife.”

In her article, Barbara Diamond perfectly captures how our toxic girly thoughts have us doing to ourselves what society does to us:

  • focusing on our physical flaws and
  • feeling less than when we do not see ourselves as measuring up.

Listening to these girly thoughts causes pain and anxiety—not only in us but also in those we love.

Erasing a Life

Diamond describes how a curvy woman, a size 18 in her midforties, decided to invest in boudoir photos that would spice up her love life with her husband. But following her toxic girly thoughts, she wanted them heavily photoshopped. The photographer, Victoria Caroline Haltom, complied by removing her client’s stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles, and fat, only later realizing what she had done.

The photos were lovely. What was unexpected was the hurt and confused feelings of her client’s husband, who wrote:

When you took away her stretch marks, you took away the documentation of my children. When you took away her wrinkles, you took away over two decades of our laughter, and our worries. When you took away her cellulite, you took away her love of baking and all the goodies we have eaten over the years.

How NOT To Act on Your Toxic Girly Thoughts
When you look in the mirror and see only what you wish wasn’t there, remind yourself, as this husband did, why you have a particular imperfection. Instead of focusing on “negative” attributes, ask yourself:

  • Does your grandmother’s distinctive nose link you to your rich family history?
  • Is your extra skin a result of finally going on that diet to be healthy?
  • Is your grey hair evidence of a long life?
  • Do your luscious breasts bring back memories of breastfeeding your children?

Now rejoice in those memories. These imperfections are what make you uniquely you and not some cookie cutout. And tell those toxic girly thoughts you don’t have time to indulge them, and live your life.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Back to School—Your Daughter, Drugs, and Girly Thoughts

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Photo credit: Illumina Singapore Dinner And Dance 2014 – Marriott Hotel-051
Yes, it is back-to-school time.  You and your daughter have worked to get her ready. She has pushed you to buy her the latest fashions so she will fit it; you’ve bought her school supplies and paid for her haircut. Maybe you treated her to getting her nails done … but there is a more concerning part of her fitting in that you need to also take care of.

Last week I received emergency requests from two different acquaintances for the same reason—the issue: their daughters’ drug use.

The first parent was “freaked out” about drug paraphernalia found in her high school daughter’s room. “But she’s a straight-A student, an athlete …” she told me, and she is confused about her daughter’s choice.

The second parent shared that her twenty-something daughter had moved on from the “safety” of marijuana to using heroin, having legal problems, and is now desperately in need of help.

These parents are devoted to their daughters and are now very worried about them.

Many Reasons for Drug Abuse

According to many recent reports, there are many reasons for the increase in drug abuse among girls and women:

  • the perception that their friends are using and they should as well;
  • a need to sooth their developing, toxic girly thoughts—the way they learn to criticize themselves for not achieving societal standards of beauty and behavior;
  • glamorization in media of drug use as a way to increase sexual desirability;
  • widespread availability;
  • difficulty in getting help with not enough treatment options;
  • the lack of understanding by most insurance companies that kids are dying of overdoses and that outpatient services just don’t help many kids.

Drug Use in Real Time

In 2013, 16.0 percent of girls age twelve and older reported binge drinking in the past month, according to NIDA.

Yes, girls age twelve and older. This is not just an adult problem. And it is just one of numerous and disturbing statistics about the increasing numbers of substance-abuse issues among young women.

The parents who called me have every reason to be concerned. Below is a graphic (courtesy of Clarity Way) showing the rates of first-time substance use for alcohol and illicit and prescription drugs on an average day.

http://www.clarityway.com/infographic/a-day-of-drug-use/

What To Do?

If you are worried about a loved one, call for help like my acquaintances did. Several suggestions include:

  • Al-Anon
  • Local alcohol and drug treatment agencies
  • Trained mental health professional
  • Family physician or pastor
  • A friend in recovery

Help and support are there for you. Don’t think you’re alone because you are not.

 

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power