Want to Soar Like an Eagle? 3 Ways Your Girly Thoughts Are Stopping You

eagle

Ever want to soar above your troubles, be more in the moment instead of all in your head?

The answer: Look up, then look in . . .

Yesterday I happened across a video of what an eagle needs to do to thrive. I invite you to watch it to see what it takes to get serious about taking care of you!

What Get’s In the Way?

Witnessing the clear and weighty decisions an eagle makes to keep her supremacy immediately had me thinking of how our toxic girly thoughts stop us from doing what we so admire in the eagle—enjoying our power. Yes, girly thoughts, the purposefully obnoxious yet memorable name I’ve given to how we do to ourselves what society does to us.

How Your Girly Thoughts Are Stopping You

  1. Your girly thoughts keep you focused on what you can lose by trying something new, something radical, as opposed to focusing you on what you can gain by changing your thinking about yourself!
  2. Your girly thoughts have you struggling with the fantasy of keeping the body you had at eighteen by having you deny yourself food and keeping you from really enjoying the body you have now.
  3. Your girly thoughts have you struggling to maintain the popularity you had in your college sorority by being the nice girl as you struggle to make it professionally.

Learning from Eagles

If eagles can make radical changes to increase the value of their life, why not you?

  1. Re-create Yourself. Begin with your beak—how you speak to yourself, how you feed yourself. Keep your goal in mind, even if it does require some pain and effort. You are worth it.
  2. Get rid of those “old feathers,” and dress in a way that makes you feel good now. Maybe that means shorter heels, tunics, more pants. Let a new look energize you.
  3. Build new talons. Working on your goal may make you seem fierce to others, but if your goal will make you feel good about yourself, so what? Remember, you’re not in college any more.

Your girly thoughts are an example of old beliefs that keep you stuck in the past. Free yourself from them so you can take advantage of the present.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Women in Sports Really Can’t Afford to Think Girly Thoughts

women-sports

Women in sports take a great deal of abuse, and most of it is off the field.

Professional women athletes are criticized in both public and social media for being competent, for being aggressive, and for winning.

Consider the sexist remarks made before the women’s final of the BNP Paribas Open. Indian Wells CEO Raymond Moore opined at a press conference that “both the Women’s Tennis Association and its players ride on the coattails of men” and that they “should go down every night on their knees and thank God Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal were born.”

Negative, Disparaging Attitudes Led to THIS 

Not only do professional women athletes receive less media, but what they do receive is often negative. Take the case of the World Cup Championship U.S. Women’s National (Soccer) Team.

ESPN reported that “The USWNT’s victory in the World Cup final last summer not only beat the title-clinching game of the NBA Finals in viewership ratings, but also became the most-watched soccer event in television history. . . .” Yet the women earn an astonishing 98.6 percent less than their male counterparts, receive less funding, less media coverage, and are forced to play on a tougher surface than the U.S. Men’s team.

#MoreThanMean

The negativity came to a head this month in a video about sports reporters Sarah Spain and Julie DiCaro and the vicious tweets they’ve received. In it, men (who did not know these women and had not previously seen the vitriolic tweets) read them in person to the two professional sportswriters. The fans, who stutter and struggle to read these horrible tweets realize these attacks are #MoreThanMean—they’re harassment.

Do We Do This to Ourselves?

Chances are good that you, too, are outraged at these stories and these tweets. Sadly, women in sports are subject to the same types of disparaging remarks as women in other fields receive.

Yet, if you experience outrage when you hear an obviously sexist remark from a man, why do you say similar things to yourself?

Think you don’t? Consider these examples:

  • I’m so grateful—instead of feeling good about your ability to work your tail off to achieve your goals.
  • I’m so lucky, I owe you—instead of understanding you earned that promotion, raise, degree, championship, or anything else.
  • It’s my fault—instead of standing up for yourself and saying, “No, you can’t treat me that way.”

Telling yourself that you’re not the reason for your own success, or that you are the cause of a problem, is a toxic pattern of internalized self-blaming ideas I’ve named girly thoughts. Why name this? So you can identify and distance yourself from this type of pervasive, negative thinking that has you doing to yourself what the tweets in the video are doing to the reporters—shaming and disempowering yourself.

So the next time you

  • second guess yourself,
  • make excuses for your success, or
  • feel reluctant to be in the winner’s circle,

think of Serena and Sarah and Julie exercising their power, and then exercise your own. See what happens within you when you tell yourself, “That’s a girly thought!”and don’t forget to share your experience with me. 

Want to take some public action?

  • Share the hashtag #MoreThanMean to increase awareness about harassment of women in sports.

Picture courtesy of pixabay.com!

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Celebrate Your Mother’s Strength—Not Her Girly Thoughts

mothers-day

Sometimes it is difficult to see what is before your eyes.

You may not notice what is obvious: Both you and your mother have many strengths. You may be too conditioned by your girly thoughts to appreciate your moms resilience, her ability to bounce back from adversity. But who was your first influence in developing your own resilience? Your mother!

What are girly thoughts? you ask. Girly thoughts is the uncomfortable name I’ve given to what women do: we focus on faults in ourselves and in other women our mothers, even our daughters; we do to ourselves what society at large does to us, and that negative, self-defeating talk harms us and keeps us from our power.

Pre-Spanx: The Girdle

When I think of my mother, I remember so many stories. Many of them are now funny, like when my mother and I were shopping for a girdle for me.

Remember, this was pre-Spanx; this was girdle time, and my mother thought a girdle was a necessity . . . except we couldn’t quite find one small enough to fit my tall and (at that time) lanky frame.

“Why do I need a girdle?” I remember hissing at her in a store.

“Because you don’t want to spread.” Not a reason my eleven-year-old self felt was valid, but my mother was adamant. She bought me a girdle that hung off my hips. But she was happy. She had done her job. She was helping her five foot five inch, ninety-pound eleven-year-old not spread.

This is why I was so excited to see how someone I so admire—Audra McDonald, the beautiful, funny opera singer—is delighted by her mother’s strength, both physical and emotional.

Honoring Our Mothers

Who was my mother? She was a funny, unconventional woman who was also a product of her times, where her very own girly thoughts said women had to be thin to be desirable. And she loved me enough to fight with me over wearing a girdle to achieve this.

So let’s have fun. Make a list of some of the girly thoughts your mother raised you believing because she believed them:

 

2.

3.

 

 

Now write how you counter these girly thoughts today:

 

1.

2.

3.

 

Remember that your mother did what she thought was best for you, just like you are doing with your daughter, your friends, your grandchildren. The important thing to remember is that you now have the ability to change the girly thoughts you wished your mother had the wisdom to do when you were a girl.

Drop me a line and share what girly thoughts your mother had as you think of her this Mother’s Day.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Suicide and Girly Thoughts — Five Ways Get Off this Merry-Go-Round

merrygoround

New data documents that the suicide rate in the United States has surged to the highest level in nearly thirty years, with increases in every age group except older adults, and “the rise was particularly steep for women.”

Why Are Women’s Suicide Rates Up?

Here are the more obvious answers to what is stressing women:

  • More women in the workplace
  • Divorce has increased
  • More women are single heads of households
  • More working women as single heads of households
  • Women continue to make less than men in the same fields creating economic hardship

But those answers don’t tell the full story.

Depressing Girly Thoughts

The list above is not complete. To fully understand what is making women feel defeated, we need to add that the very image of the Perfect Woman has changed:

  • Marilyn Monroe was a size 10–12; today’s models are a size 2
  • Everything is photoshopped, resulting in a corporate image of beauty
  • Where models don’t resemble real women, in fact they may not even look like themselves.
  • Women have responded, and plastic surgery is becoming more of a norm

And this image of the perfect woman is relentlessly brought to you everywhere via digital media to remind you of who you “should” be . . .

None of us can control what comes into our minds. Daily—even hourly—we all receive reminders of how we are not meeting societal standards for our looks and actions. And how can we not respond to this media flood and internalize this into our own toxic mix? 

It’s no wonder we think thoughts—I’ve named them girly thoughts—that aren’t helpful to feeling good about ourselves, and can even cause us to hate ourselves.

You control how long your girly thoughts stay around. You do not have to allow them to live in your mind rent free, taking up space and making your feel depressed.

Five Ways Get Off the Merry-Go-Round.

Want to stop the vicious cycle that makes you feel bad about yourself? Try this:

  • Identify sources of girly thoughts that cause you to doubt yourself.
  • Ignore what is triggering you to think in this way.
  • Challenge yourself every time you are thinking a girly thought. Tell this thought to get lost; say, “You’re not helpful”; think a positive thought instead.
  • Speak to your girlfriends about girly thoughts so you have support in challenging them and some fun at laughing together at how they are everywhere.
  • And if you find yourself feeling depressed, seek professional help from a mental health professional.

No, you do not need to let these societal messages tear you apart. You deserve better!

Photo courtesy of Pixaby.com

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.New data documents that the suicide rate in the United States has surged to the highest level in nearly thirty years, with increases in every age group except older adults, and “the rise was particularly steep for women.”

Blaming Lady Gaga for Being Raped?

gaga

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

Lady Gaga made news yet again, this time by publicly sharing during the Oscars that she was raped at age 19. Yes, she set off shock waves around the world, not just because she shared something so intimate, but because she challenged each of us to consider how we talk about rape in our own lives.

One of the heartbreaks about being a woman is that it feels like we are blamed by society for everything that happens to us, and sexual assault is no different.

But if you wouldn’t blame Lady Gaga for being raped, why would you blame yourself, or your friends?

Why Do You Blame Women . . . and Maybe Even Yourself?

When you find yourself more responsible than the other person for virtually everything that happens to you, including rape and sexual assault, you are tapping into a conditioned response. Internalization of the continuous media messages as well as all of our family messages leads to the creation of our own negative self-talk, which I’ve named toxic girly thoughts.

Why have a name for this? So we can first identify when we are blaming ourselves for all the woes that come our way and then stop thinking this way!

What You Can Do

This tendency to “blame the victim” needs to be addressed on so many levels. This is why I was thrilled to read Jes Skolnik’s blog on Medium.com: “some guidelines for music/entertainment writers writing about sexual assault [sic].”

Her clear guidelines for those in the entertainment industry also bears consideration for writers and bloggers everywhere, and they have relevance for all of us in how we discuss rape and sexual assault.  Here’s a summary:

  1. Be careful with your language. If there is alleged violence, do not refer to it using the same terminology as consensual sex. This reinforces the pervasive social myth that sexual violence is “sex gone wrong” rather than specific and contextualized violence. . . .

  1. Be clear about your own biases. . . .

  1. FACT CHECK EVERYTHING. . . .

  1. Do not write a story without even attempting to contact the person on the other side of the allegations. . . .

  1. Do not ever, ever pressure someone to tell their sexual assault story to you. If they don’t want to talk, let them go. . . .

  1. Be careful about reporting allegations (from either side) as indisputable fact. . . .

One way to stop the perpetuation of toxic girly thoughts is for us to stop doing to ourselves—and to other woman—what society does to us.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

A Valentine’s Day Detox

valentinesdetox

He loves me, he loves me not?

The bigger question is: Why do I care so much? 

Well, the BIG Day—Valentine’s Day—has come and gone. This day of tension, caused by the painful and anxious feelings produced by your girly thoughts telling you that your lovability is demonstrated by what your partner does or doesn’t do, is over for this year. A question to ask yourself—because you have total control over this one—is:

Do you want to go through all this drama again next year?

If your answer is no, then this is a time of opportunity. Now, in the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, is your opportunity to learn about yourself, your needs, your wants, and how to take care of yourself. You know that Valentine’s Day was not a referendum on your:

  • worthiness
  • desirability
  • beauty

Do we need to add to this—thank God?

So . . . How Did You Do?

How would you describe your Valentine’s Day? Was it a painful day because you listened to those society-prescribed girly thoughts that resulted in you:

  • feeling defeated because you didn’t feel you had control?
  • feeling anxious?
  • holding your breath waiting for a text, email, call, gift?
  • feeling a tinge of your self-worth hanging in the balance?

Or instead, were you able to kick those girly thoughts aside and:

think self-loving thoughts?

  • appreciate your beauty?
  • smile instead of frown when you looked at your face?
  • make this day special for yourself?
  • laugh at all the hype?

And if you didn’t receive what you wanted, did you think, “It’s your loss, buddy”?

What Is Valentine’s Day, Anyway?

Valentine’s Day presents an opportunity to build resilience—that well of strength, of resources, of strategies that work within you—that helps you get through difficult times.

Looked at this way, Valentine’s Day can be a win/win. By providing a window into your relationship with your partner and into your relationship with yourself, the day:

  • provides an opportunity to see if you have picked someone who can take care of your needs and your wants.
  • gives you an chance to see how well you have done in communicating these same needs and wants to the one who loves you.
  • teaches you about yourself and about building more resilience from the pressure and stress generated by this one day.

Please share your insights into Valentine’s Day with me by sending your comments through my website: www.patriciaogorman.com.

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my book The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

A version of this post originally appeared on 2.20.15.

Picture courtesy of Pextels.com!

Letting Your Man Define You on Valentine’s Day—Why?

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

Valentines-Day-crafts

Wanting to be liked is important to all of us, and yes, we’re feeling the pressure on Valentine’s Day.

But for you, and for many other women, this desire can move from wanting to be liked to desperately needing to be liked once a man enters the picture. For this, you pay a huge price—you give up your power to figure out what is best for you!

Your Toxic Girly Thoughts In Action

When the way we are supposed to act and, very importantly, how we are supposed to look become decisions we allow someone else makes for us, we give up our personal power. We do this because of the negative self-talk we invite to reside in our heads, and I call these ideas toxic girly thoughts.

Read this post from Brittaney about how she allowed her boyfriend to govern:

  • the length of her hair
  • the color of her hair
  • her makeup
  • her clothes
  • her weight
  • even her tattoos

http://www.upmoments.com/her-boyfriend-makes-fun-of-her-appearance

Stop Listening

Brittaney stopped listening to her toxic girly thoughts—but how?

The answer is to tune into your Resilient Voice, the part of you that knows what is right for you, the part of you that your toxic girly thoughts try to drown out.

This Valentine’s Day, try this:

  • If your boyfriend wants you to have short hair when you like your hair better long, choose what you like and makes you feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror.
  • When he wants you to have blonde hair and you like it auburn, wear your hair the color you think best expresses who you are.

And if you think he’s the makeup artist you’ve been waiting for, or the medical personnel you’ve needed to guide you in health care decisions, or the dress designer who knows better than you what looks best on you … well …

Think again, and maybe, consider a new boyfriend. Now that could make for a good Valentine’s Day.

Now say: I know what is best for me.

Because you really do!
??Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

 

 

 

His Affair—Your Fault?

She couldn’t satisfy her husband.

-Trump speaking about Hillary

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

picisto-20150723161444-964679

A presidential hopeful challenges his possible rival about her sexual desirability and blames her for her husband’s affairs.

Is this message of a woman’s responsibility for something familiar to you? Do you stifle your infuriation because this sounds right?

Where’s your outrage?

Why You Don’t Feel Angry

You are marketed ongoing messages about your desirability. These messages suggests you should be measured by how you act and look . . . and you internalize these messages and then use to judge yourself and other women.

I’ve named this toxic internalization girly thoughts. Why name this internal trash talk so common to women? Because once you can name something, you have control over it.

Having a name means you can easily identify when you are doing something and can then stop yourself from listening, and acting upon, your toxic girly thoughts.

But this isn’t a free ride. There are consequences for not believing your toxic girly thoughts. You could be seen as brash, even unlikeable if you don’t “play the game,” or thought of as “yelling” when you clearly state your point of view, particularly when you disagree with the others around you.

Stop Listening to Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

Are you up for a challenge?

This can be a fun exercise, especially in this year of presidential campaigning.

  • Identify the toxic girly thoughts that campaigners are using to put women in general and women candidates in their place.
  • Share what you are hearing with your friends, family, and co-workers.
  • Call candidates out on statements that reinforce toxic girly thoughts, those messages that are negative and harmful to women.

No, you don’t have to write a letter, but it’s an option. You can use:

        • Twitter
        • Facebook
        • Other social media platforms

Yes, you’ll get blowback, you may even be trolled on Twitter, but so what? That’s a sure sign your comments are reaching others and they are hearing you say NO to toxic girly thoughts.

And please link me to any of your comments. We can follow each other on Twitter. I will retweet your outrage and share your thoughts on Facebook.

Now repeat after me: Yes, I will!

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Want to Be a Millionaire? Stop Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

austin geidt
Austin Geidt credits her road to sobriety with her success in developing Uber. But that’s not the whole story. Let’s understand what she is saying in terms of how this journey also helped her re-define herself as a woman.

Her road to recovery had her going back to basics, dropping out of college, and getting help for her drug addiction. But it also resulted in her graduating college at age twenty-five with a blank resume. Her lack of experience didn’t stop her.

Being Resilient, Not Discouraged

Was she discouraged? No. She was proud of her sobriety, and this hard-fought journey helped her know that she had many skills, that she was resilient. Austin began looking for a job and answered a tweet about an internship in a new start-up. She was Uber’s #4 employee, and today she’s a top executive.

Trusting Who You Truly Are—Not What Your Toxic Girly Thoughts Say

Austin began her new career by using what she’d learned in her recovery on the job and by being who she knew herself to be. As a result, she didn’t fall into the trap common to so many young women professionals: listening to the guidance of toxic girly thoughts that tell them how they should look and how they should act in order to be acceptable.

Here is what she learned and credits for her success:

  • Perspective. She is very proud of her work, her accomplishments, and her team, but she is most proud of herself and her recovery. She doesn’t define herself by outside standards, like toxic girly thoughts coach women to do.
  • Directness and Honesty. Austin doesn’t focus on being liked, a common toxic girly thought that trips women up in their personal lives and at work.
  • Goals. She believes that humility, rather than the “self-importance” of toxic girly thoughts, informs your “measure of success.”

Want to be inspired? Watch her video interview with Fortune Magazine:

http://fortune.com/video/2015/12/02/uber-austin-geidt-sobriety/

And read her interview in Business Insider:

http://www.businessinsider.com/ubers-austin-geidts-insane-life-2015-12

Have you met someone who embodies the idea of personal resilience, someone who overcame her self-defeating and toxic girly thoughts to embrace her personal power? Maybe that someone is you? I invite you to share your story in the comments, or email me at girlythoughtsdetox@gmail.com.

??Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

 

Girly Thought #1: I’m Fat = A Sure Way NOT to Lose Weight in the New Year

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

“Awareness, not deprivation, informs what you eat.” —Geneen Roth

Yes, over the holidays you ate more than you wished you had, and now you feel . . . fat.

Girly Thought #1: I’m Fat

Become aware that the multi-billion dollar diet industry has ramped up, telling you that you need to lose weight, hoping you will buy their no-effort-required books, shakes, pills, plans, magazines.

Their marketing strategy feeds your toxic girly thought’, causing you to internalize corporate images of beauty that make you feel less than, which increase your stress and your eating.

So what do you do? You sign up for the plan or shake, buy the new book, or purchase the magazine (many of which have photos of tantalizing desserts on the cover), as you collapse in exhaustion and then eat a treat because you are stressed.

To Lose Weight, Lose Those Girly Thoughts

Most women are stress eaters. So if you want to lose weight, you have two choices:

  • Go on a diet, which will only increase your stress because you eat when you are stressed, or
  • Commit to doing a 10-Day Detox to change your thinking and lose the cause of your stress—those harmful girly thoughts!

Make this next year about losing your girly thoughts—and watch those pounds melt away.

Now say: “Yes, I can.”

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.