Author: Patricia

#JoshDuggar and YOUR Girly Thoughts

@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com
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Recently I literally fell asleep tweeting. I woke up after six hours and began tweeting again. This is not me.

Why did this happen? I was pumped. I was tweeting about Josh Duggar and his sisters. I tweeted my outrage and my concern for the increasing number of sexual abuse survivors who are screaming their pain on Twitter.

What’s the connection between Josh Duggar and the obnoxious name I’ve given to the toxic, inner self-talk that plagues us and misdirects our energy—girly thoughts?

Girly Thoughts Begin At Home

Families communicate in many ways from favorite stories that are told and re-told, to what is said—or not said—when abuse occurs. But actions speak even louder than words when parents respond, or don’t, to hurtful events within the family; when consequences don’t match the severity of the violation; when a girl’s attempt to disclose abuse is met with disbelief or accusations of lying.

In these ways families strongly influence not only teaching what is right, and what is wrong, but also how girls learn to feel about themselves. What girls should:

  • blame themselves for,
  • take responsibility for,
  • expect from others.

And what girls should accept in life from:

  • being second best,
  • feeling “less than,” to
  • in many families, not being as valued as the males —

This we learn early in our own families based on how we are treated when we are hurt.

Sexual Abuse and Incest

Family messages influence what we feel we deserve in life and this is part of the tragedy of incest (sexual abuse within the family). If incest is unaddressed, children are taught that they indeed are less worthy—less deserving of protection, understanding, and love than the abusing relative, neighbor, teacher, clergy, or coach.

Is it any wonder that women conclude we are indeed:

  • less important than men,
  • have to do more to earn love, and
  • have to be perfect to be desirable?

These are all girly thoughts.

Voice Your Concern

Begin by identifying how your own girly thoughts are limiting you. Then consider how women are blamed in situations that a man would not be, such as being seen as responsible for the abuse she endured. Watch for these stories on twitter and in other media. Express your concern.

Join with me:

  • Follow me on Twitter: #drogorman
  • Friend me on Facebook, and
  • Subscribe to my free blog on my website, www.patriciaogorman.com
  • Share your feelings about how women are being treated
  • Share how your girly thoughts affect you!

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Sixteen and Not Ready to Confront Girly Thoughts

@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com
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I met Roseanna recently when I gave a talk at a university. She remembered that I asked women to share their girly thoughts, an obnoxious term I coined to describe that toxic, inner self-talk that plagues and disempowers women.

Roseanna’s Contribution

Roseanna send me a poem she wrote about her sister, a 16-year-old who was taught to underappreciate her accomplishments and to focus instead on fashion. Sound painfully familiar? After you read this poem, I hope you’ll share your comments with me, and I will forward them to her.

Sixteen
by Roseanna Boswell
(a college student studying Creative Writing and Women and Gender Studies)

My sister has no boots.
At least,
that’s what she tells me,
tipping conversation
over orange juice and coffee cups.
It’s breakfast,
and normally
she would be shunning daylight,
with half-closed-eyes,
making faces at her cereal bowl,
but today,
the effervescence of her smile
tells me: we’re going to talk
and we’re going to talk about shoes.
She is 16
and I worry:
In a world where it seems as though
she has a better chance
of being sexually assaulted
than becoming a computer science major,
how can I tell her not to be afraid?
She is 16
and she tells me that she has a 90 average,
that she needs new boots,
that sometimes she feels afraid to be alone with her teachers,
that she wants to borrow my sweater.
I tell her to always fight the patriarchy,
to be smart and safe,
I tell her “don’t believe guys
who say condoms don’t fit,”
I tell her “don’t let society dictate your beauty,
don’t let anyone dictate your body.”
She is 16,
she sighs, and rolls eyes.
She already knows how to navigate a world
that is unsympathetic to her body,
her gender,
her age.
She tells me she needs new boots.

What Happens When We Give Something a Name?

We realize we can wrap our minds and our words around a thing when we label it. We learn that what is rattling around inside of us is not just about us but has a more universal meaning.

Rosanna is just enough older than her sister to understand the power of our girly thoughts to distract us from what is really important. But we don’t have to continue to do this. We can identify those toxic girly thoughts and replace them with helpful and empowering thoughts about the ways in which we are special.

Do You Want to Share Something About Girly Thoughts?

If so, please contact me through my website. Look soon for artwork from Michelle Sohn depicting girly thoughts.

Interested in speaking about girly thoughts?
Join Me—Next Stops:

  • Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction.”
  • Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus.

Want to talk about girly thoughts? Invite me to:

  • Your book club
  • Your management meeting

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Embrace Your Inner Business Woman and Chuck Your Girly Thoughts!

@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com
facebook page

I’m returning to the scene of the crime (the city I grew up in), New York City, to speak to fellow psychologists, and I’m inviting you to join me!

Why? Because as women we all have girly thoughts, and together we can learn to identify them as well as strategize ways to eliminate them.

I promise this will be a fun-filled presentation: “Leading From Within—Breaking Free of Girly Thoughts and Embracing Your Inner Business Woman” is based on my ninth book, my third for women: The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan.

Giving It a Name: Girly Thoughts

Having a name for and strategies to eliminate the devastating process by which women internalize negative messages in society about how we should look and act is so important if we are to stop fighting ourselves and be successful.

When we listen to this bombardment of negativity, we form a toxic self-talk. Turning against ourselves is a destructive, time-consuming, and exhausting inner process that hampers so many of us professionally, from psychologists to executives to single, working moms.

Girly Thoughts: An Intergenerational Legacy

Recently, I was encouraging a college student to apply for a position even though she didn’t quite meet all the requirements. She resisted.

Curious. But not new.

Some of you will remember your mothers or grandmothers speaking about separate ads for men’s and women’s jobs, with the more interesting positions being reserved for men.

Research shows that men will apply for a position when they have as little as 60 percent of the listed requirements. But some of you may have a personal experience of not applying for a position unless you met all the qualifications.

I believe our reluctance to be assertive professionally is a legacy born from being raised to be the “good girl” who tries not to appear aggressive and thus “unfeminine.”

Does this hamper your inner businesswoman? Yes.

What to do? Join Me!

5.17.15: Noon to 4:00 p.m., AperiTivo, 780 Third Ave, New York, NY

Sponsored by the New York State’s Psychological Association, Division of Women’s Issues

Online registration is available until 5.15.15: http://www.nyspa.org/event/DOWI_05-17-15

Breaking Free Can Be Fun

Learning to identify your girly thoughts and break free from them can be a hilarious and empowering journey. Follow me through my gradual re-definition of what it means to be a psychologist, through publishing nine books with four publishers, speaking at professional and corporate meetings, and becoming a student of social media, all spurred by fighting my own girly thoughts, which taught me the art of self-promotion.

Together, we’ll explore how your girly thoughts:

  • make you feel self-conscious and tell you not to leave the house because of how your hair looks.
  • keep you stressed and eating, because so what? You’re already overweight.
  • Tell you that self-promotion is not professional, and certainly not nice!
  • Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus.

My Next Stops:

  • Worcester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction.”

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

How I Overcame My Anxiety in Grand Island, Nebraska

@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com
facebook page

“If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough.”
—Ellen Johnson Sirleaf

I was walking my dog this morning when a neighbor asked me where I’ve been. “I didn’t see you last week,” she offered.

“I was in Nebraska,” I proudly shared, “in the land of strong prairie women, speaking about not only trauma and addiction, but also about girly thoughts!”

When she learned I’d spoken to close to 175 people in each group, she was surprised and flustered, adding she could never speak in front of a group.

Interesting, I thought as I considered how I do address groups of all sizes.

If You’re Going to Dream, Dream Big!

“I let my passion for my topic help me get through any anxiety,” I shared. And as you know, I have plenty of passion about not only how you and I as women are unconsciously internalizing societal standards—which can be traumatic and drive us to drink—but also how you and I can fight these messages in our own toxic, inner dialogue that I’ve named girly thoughts.

To learn more about what I said in Grand Island, Nebraska, and about the reaction of both men and women in the audience, read the article that appeared in The Independent, and let me know what you think.

http://www.theindependent.com/news/local/strong-doesn-t-mean-unfeminine/article_33ae6efe-efb2-11e4-85f4-bfc0648557e8.html

Join Me—Next Stops:

  • New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.”
  • Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction.”
  • Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus.

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

“Beauty Requires Pain” Is a Toxic Girly Thought

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD
@drogorman
facebook
www.patriciaogorman.com

“You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.”
—Amy Bloom

Beauty should be painful? Really? It is amazing how powerful our girly thoughts are . . .yes, those thoughts that tell us we have to live up to a certain societal standard if we want to be desirable, no matter what the cost.

It is also frightening how persistent our girly thoughts have been.

Foot Binding

We think we’ve made progress. After all, despite the pain they had to endure to be “beautiful,” ten centuries of Chinese women bound their feet. Thank goodness, this practice has subsided.

Rib Removal

Contrary to popular myth, women have never had ribs removed to achieve a smaller waist, neither in the French Court nor in the Victorian Era. One major reason is that this type of surgery would have been dangerous due to infection, and very, very painful as painkillers were essentially nonextent.

What is interesting is how widespread this myth is. As a psychologist, I’ve wondered why women would believe this was a common practice. What do we get from thinking this?

One clear answer is that thinking about women enduring pain to be beautiful as far back as the 16th century somehow makes it less ridiculous for us to continue to do the same—and that’s a girly thought. Yes, thinking that women have always gone to extreme measure to be beautiful makes it more confortable for us to do the same!

Waist Training?

Lest we think we are now wise and not buying into the belief that beauty involves lots of pain, please read this article by Nina Bahadur on the growing practice of waist training using the latest modern-day, hellish torture for women to achieve the beauty ideal: a modern corset.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/04/literally-why-does-waist-training-exist_n_7205552.html

Do You Want to Look Good?

If you want to look good and have a more slender waist:

  • Chuck those girly thoughts that say the end justifies the means
  • Eat healthfully. You’re probably a stress eater, so reduce your stress by not listening to your painful girly thoughts that tell you you’re fat anyway, so that bagel won’t make a difference.
  • Exercise. Find an ab workout that works for you:
    • One you can do.
    • One that doesn’t hurt you.
    • One that will fit into your schedule.

Let me know how this works for YOU!

Join Me—Next Stops:

  • New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.”
  • Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction.”
  • Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus.

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Going Rogue—No Girly Thoughts

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD
@drogorman
facebook
www.patriciaogorman.com

“This is who I am and look at me not being perfect! I’m proud of that.”
—Kate Winslet

Girly thoughts are the way you internalize society’s messages about how you should look and should feel. They affect you on many levels, from the way you speak and write about yourself on Facebook and in emails and texts, to what you see when you look at yourself in the mirror.

Girly Thoughts’ Silent Impact

We can talk and talk about these negative messages and the toxic self-talk they foster, but sometimes words get in the way. Your girly thoughts are painful, and so are the ways you unconsciously try to change your body and your life to accommodate that toxic self talk.

Take 2 minutes and 25 seconds to watch this video of trainer and media sensation Cassey Ho illustrating how she tries to make her body and face perfect in response to negative comments about being fat.

What Would YOU Change?

Now have some fun. Write down three girly thoughts that came to mind as you watched this video, and then ask yourself if you:

  • feel you are fat? If so, where? How would you change this?
  • think your breasts are too small? Too large?
  • worry your bottom is too big or too small?
  • Do you feel your eyes aren’t perfect? If so why? How would you change them?

Now imagine if you could change all those things you don’t like about your appearance. When you think about the changed you, how does this make you feel? Do you feel sad like Cassey does?

Self-Acceptance—Go Rogue

What to do? How about accepting who you are?

  • Exercise your body and eat healthily, and enjoy your body’s unique curves.
  • Tell that girly thought that says your eyes are too small to take a hike.
  • Enjoy the shape and size of your breasts.

Yes in this media age, self-acceptance is the ultimate rogue act—it says you don’t care about what they think! And you can have fun with sticking it to them and not playing along by feeling inadequate about yourself all the time.

  • New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.”
  • Worcester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction.”
  • Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus.

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Girly Thoughts at Age 3

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD
@drogorman
facebook
www.patriciaogorman.com

Sometimes we need a study to prove something we have known for a very long time—that we have been feeling bad about ourselves for as long as we can remember.

Read It and Weep

In an article originally published in Eating Disorders: The Journal of Treatment & Prevention and blogged about by the British Psychological Association, researchers found that beginning as early as age three—before we even learn to read—we begin to understand that thin is good, thereby setting a standard for acceptability that proves to be damaging for a growing girl.

Why I Developed the Term Girly Thoughts

As a psychologist who works with women, I’ve seen a need to make the impact of these societal standards on women easier to identify and grasp. As I wrote in my book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan,

Your burgeoning girly thoughts were unconscious, and they’ve remained that way for the most part—until now. Your girly thoughts formed over time and through numerous sources of input, and they are reinforced every day through your family of origin, intimate relationships, friendships, business and professional influences, family pressures, and, most especially, media.

By putting a label on this negative, internal talk, you have a handle on the price you are paying by trying to live up to these impossible images of perfection.

Your Girly Thoughts Cause You Further Grief

It is also vital to realize the ways you internalize these messages into a toxic self-talk. Here are just a couple of ways you may be dramatically affected by your girly thoughts:

Depression

So many women experience depression. While hormonal changes, working a day job and coming home to what is essentially a second shift in the home can describe some of why women take their anger out on themselves, those don’t explain all of it. A missing piece to this puzzle is how society makes us feel so inadequate for not having the perfect body, beginning at age three!

Overeating + Overdrinking

Because the messages we receive are so toxic, women often self-medicate with food. Have you ever thought, It’s been a really hard day, and I’m overweight anyway, so why not have dessert? Has that glass of wine while you’re cooking dinner ever become most of the bottle? These attitudes can eventually lead to other problems such as weight gain and addiction, to name a few.

What You Can Do:

  • Stop thinking it’s just you. After a luncheon address I gave, a corporate executive told me, “I used to think it was just me. Now I’m not sure whether to be happy or sad to realize it’s all of us.”
  • Have fun naming and identifying girly thoughts during your next Girl’s Night Out. That will really help drive home the point that it is not just you.
  • Read The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power in your book club, and Skype me in for a fun discussion.
  • Speak to the young girls in your family about the assumptions they are making about their body shapes and sizes, and help them learn that their self-worth should not be based on their looks.

Join Me—Next Stops:

  • Grand Island, NE: April 30: I’ll be giving a workshop on “Trauma” from 8:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and a speech over dinner titled “Girly Thoughts” from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.
  • New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.”
  • Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction”
  • Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Coming to Grand Island with NO Girly Thoughts

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD
@drogorman
facebook
www.patriciaogorman.com

Have you ever gotten something really wrong? Have you ever based your conclusions on little fact and many feelings, and as a result you painted a truly erroneous picture for yourself of what you were dealing with?

I know I have, and recently.

My latest error didn’t begin with misunderstanding a Facebook post, or by reading too much into a quizzical look from a neighbor. No, it began with an invitation to speak to a group on the subjects of trauma and addiction, and to do an evening presentation for women on girly thoughts.

How did I feel? This invitation made me happy! So far so good—but I had never heard of the location: Grand Island, Nebraska . . . and this is where I made a mistake. I did what many of us do: I filled in my lack of information with my fantasies.

Using Fantasies Instead of Reality

And such fun fantasies I had. The “island” in the name conjured images for me of the Caribbean, or Nantucket, beautiful islands in the sea. But I knew there was no sea in the middle of our country (at least I got that right). I thought maybe there is a lake with a small island in it. Yes, in this small town, there is a lake with a little island in it. I thought, How sweet. I pictured the people of this prairie community as so optimistic for wanting an island, for naming their town not just any ole’ island name, but Grand Island.

I was so wrong. Not only is Grand Island not a quaint small town, but it is a major metropolitan area— in fact, it’s the third-largest city in the state! And it is on an island in a very large river!

But my whole inner process began my process of thinking about how easy it is to jump to conclusions about so many things, from geography to our girly thoughts.

Girly Thoughts = Major Wrong Assumptions

Years ago, I heard the expression, When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me; making assumptions is easy to do, yet so harmful. So don’t do this with your girly thoughts. Instead:

  • call them out for what they are—a toxic self-talk.
  • jot down which girly thoughts keep coming to mind so you can figure out how to target these girly thoughts in particular.
  • help your friends identify their girly thoughts.

Coming to Grand Island to Speak About Girly Thoughts, and Trauma + Addiction

Yes, I’ll be in Grand Island on April 30, and hope you can join me. For more information, visit my website: www.patriciaogorman.com.

Next stops:

  • Grand Island, NE: April 30, I’ll be giving a workshop on “Trauma” from 8:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and a speech over dinner titled “Girly Thoughts” from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.
  • New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.”
  • Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction”
  • Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

55 Days Without Water, and Still No Girly Thoughts

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD
@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com

I am sitting in the living room of a friend who is playing the piano, looking out on the snowy April landscape. She is relaxed; her home is immaculate, which wouldn’t be a cause for surprise except for the fact that she is on day 55 without water. Yes, without water.

In this mountainous region where I have recently moved, we have had a very severe winter. In past years, a terrible winter may have been described by how many feet of snow we had, how low the temperatures were and for how long; how many actual blizzards were endured. This year, a new dimension was added to the descriptors of how severe the winter is—how many homes were without water. So far, 90 homes in a town of only 5,300 people.

For those of us raised on the need to wash our hair daily, use a towel only once, and go through several daily clothing changes, this would seem like torture.
Rethinking How You Live

How has my friend survived this? She has rethought how she needs to live, and she’s adapted, much as I have been suggesting you do with your girly thoughts, that toxic self-talk that deprives you of energy, focus, and self-worth.

Instead of being ruled by societal standards of how things should be, of how she should be, she has redefined all sorts of social standards, everything from asking friends to use the restroom before they come to her home to wearing clothes more than once, from making weekly trips to the laundromat (a necessity as she cannot use her washer) to taking sponge baths made from heated bottled water instead of the luxurious daily shower she previously enjoyed.
Try an Adventure: No girly thoughts

How is she faring? She feels free, cut loose from constraints she wasn’t even aware she was laboring under. She’s having an adventure. She is having fun!

And she has stopped worrying about her girly thoughts, like:

  • needing the right paper products for everyday use since she can’t wash dishes—instead, she has a dinner party and enjoys the company of friends.
  • worrying if she looks “fat” in her jeans—instead, she’s happy just to have clean clothes.
  • keeping her husband happy and stress free—instead, she realizes he’s in this with her.

And she has found gifts in some unlikely places:

  • many friends have offered their homes to her for bathing and laundry.
  • the generosity of the heating company that brings daily water to feed her furnace and leaves some extra water to use to flush her toilets.
  • her own skill in narrowing down where the frozen pipes might be.

If living without running water can do that for her, imagine what stopping your daily self-sabotage with your girly thoughts can do for you!

Try this for one day, and let me know how this goes for you.
You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power