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Be Strong and Shine for Your Children: The Impact of Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

and coming in 2014

Out Your Girls Thoughts and Embrace Your Strength workbook

Our children learn from us by the ways we act, what we eat, even how we dress. How many of us have found our daughters trying on our clothes or walking in our high heels? Using our make-up? Spraying on our perfume? How many of us have worked with our sons in the kitchen? Or noticed them picking up our facial expressions? So is it such a surprise that they would try on our language?

The Power of Our Words

They notice not only the language we use when we speak to them, but also the language we use to describe ourselves to our friends, our families, and even strangers we interact with. They notice how we mumble about wishing we hadn’t done something or how we would be “better” if we were different in some way.

The Impact of Our Girly Thoughts

So when we internalize our girly thoughts, those media-driven messages about how we should look and act that result in our feeling less than, those self-judgments come out of our mouths.

They have an impact. Not just on us, but also on our children.

The example we set is just one of the many influences that help to form our children’s opinions and values. Combine those with the impact of media—television, magazines, movies, the Internet, and those video games—and the influences of their friends and their other family members, and it is easy to see why our children feel inadequate and less than, no matter how accomplished they might actually be.

These influences are often so subtle that they are difficult to grab hold of, but they have a huge impact on both our children and us.

But We Now Have A New Tool

We can begin to make ourselves more aware of that negative inner dialogue—our girly thoughts—and challenge the messages.

We have new tool to help us do this, thanks to Pantene. In this new 60-second ad, they show the same actions of young men and women side by side along with the labels commonly used to describe these behaviors—and it is stunning!

http://mashable.com/2013/12/10/pantene-ad-philippines/#:eyJzIjoiZiIsImkiOiJfZjFpMjVsYTVudjEzYWppbCJ9

The Power of Labels

Men are depicted as persuasive, dedicated, neat, and smooth, while the same behaviors in women are seen as pushy, selfish, vain, or showing off. The double standard is palpable and is depicted so very well in a less than one minute.

Don’t Let Labels Hold Your Children Back—Here’s How:

This video is a great teaching tool, and I suggest you use it now. Show it to your children, or even your grandchildren and ask when they have heard these words used about their friends or themselves.

Ask how these words make them or their friends feel.
Ask if these are the best words to describe what they see.

Use these words as teaching tools, and explore them as you watch a show or read a story. Ask you son or daughter if the character is being:

pushy or persuasive
dedicated or selfish
vain or neat
smooth or a show-off

Then ask them how the character feels about the label.

Give Your Children Permission to Challenge Double Standards

Every time we take a step, make a correction, challenge our own thinking and actions or those of others, our children notice. This informs not only their thinking but also their actions, giving them our unspoken permission to also begin to challenge the double standard as they encounter it in their own lives.

Watch your language when you describe yourself. Don’t feed your children’s developing self-worth with girly thoughts.

Challenge those close to you if they try to slap you with an unkind and inaccurate label. Develop your conscious resilience and model it for your children so they have the tools with which to shape their own positive and healthy self-images.

Think about taking these small steps not only for you, but also for those you love. Not a bad way to end this year as we look to see what is ahead!

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Patricia O’Gorman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Albany, and Saranac Lake, New York, is noted for her work on women, trauma, and substance abuse and for her warm, inspiring, and funny presentations that make complex issues accessible and even fun. She has served as a consultant to organizations in preventative and clinical strategic planning including Lifescape Solutions in Delray Beach, Florida. Dr. O’Gorman is a cofounder of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, and she has held positions ranging from clinical director of a child welfare agency to interim director of a crime victims organization to director of the division of prevention for the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). Learn more at http://patriciaogorman.com

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Five Holiday Gifts for Your Daughter as You Teach Her to Challenge Her Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

What Are Girly Thoughts?
Your daughter is a girl, so isn’t she supposed to be thinking thoughts like a girl? Yes, but not these thoughts. Girly thoughts are the subtle conditioning that begins in girlhood and continues throughout life that results in women feeling less than. These are the thoughts that tell us how we should look and also pressure us with how we should act—well, like a girl, and not just any girl, but a popular girl.

Help Her Own Her Skills
So what’s your role as a mother who may be struggling with her own girly thoughts?

First and foremost, you want to help your daughter build her resilience consciously. Yes, even at a young age, your daughter is mastering a series of negative circumstances in life and is developing skills for dealing with them, skills that form the basis for how she will approach other challenges as she matures.

The trick for her is to own that she knows how to:

talk to a mean girl
study for a quiz
ask for what she wants/needs from you
handle her younger sibling’s tantrums
forge her own identity when she’s compared to an older sibling

. . . and the list goes on.

Yes, your daughter already has many skills. The trick is for her to consciously use them, for her conscious use of her skills will allow her skills to become part of her identity.

Consciously Using Her Resilience
The skill set we develop when we deal with difficult circumstances is called our resilience. And while we all have resilience, women often do not consciously walk around thinking of themselves as resilient because for many, this feels unfeminine or even unattractive. This notion that women cannot appear too resilient or too strong begins early.

Tips for Teaching Your Daughter Conscious Resilience
Since you are her greatest teacher, you need to model resilience for her. This means you need to own and consciously use your own resilience in your own life.

So take a moment and think about just what it is that you do. Then find moments to share your insights with her and point out the skills that you use to deal with difficult circumstances. How to do this? Start by saying out loud, “I managed this busy day by deep breathing,” or “I make a list and promising myself a reward when I’ve completed it,” or whatever it is you have done, and then:

share with her the skills you use throughout the day.
name the skills that you see her using in her own life.
point out the silliness of the ads in magazines, on TV, and in the movies that show photoshopped girls doing amazing things that are not real.
speak to her about her real life heroines (perhaps her grandmother, aunt, teacher, or even a classmate), women she knows who are struggling with a major challenge. Point out the skills they are using.
make a list of the skills she uses each day, and hang it on the refrigerator or her closet door.

Help her see herself as someone who is learning how to navigate life’s challenges by using her resilience. This is a sure way to help her be less influenced by the media’s peddling of their collective notion of who she should be and help her kick those girly thoughts to the curb.

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Using Your Resilience When the Holidays Threaten to Be Not So Happy

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

It’s the holidays . . . so be happy

Isn’t that what all the songs, the stories, the TV specials tell us? Happy is even the first or second sentiment of all of the messages we receive on everything from our postage stamps to the music in elevators: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Eid Greetings, Happy New Year.

The message is clear—have fun. There is such hype about feeling good, giving gifts, and, of course, receiving gifts. But the happiness is all very idealized.

We see holiday perfection depicted over and over again wherever we look. Family gatherings are portrayed as loving; members are connected, respectful, and understanding. Meals looking delicious, and we can almost smell them through the pages of our favorite magazines. And we all want to enjoy those we love; but that’s not always how it works, particularly in some families—like my family of origin, and maybe yours.

. . . except for those other families

Yes, this is what we all want, but for some families, these times are less than happy. Family alcoholism, divorce, job loss, or death of a loved one all create stress that seems out-of-place during these idealized joyful times, making them somehow even more painful.

So what can you do? Yes, you can get super-stressed, very depressed, and just get through it. Or you can use your resilience to actually enjoy the holidays. In fact, the holidays can even help you develop conscious resilience, as they certainly give you enough adverse circumstances to bump up against! But you can make choices to do something about them.

What you can do . . .

1. Actively love your inner child. You deserve no less.

Hold the hand of your inner child, the part of you that remembers and feels the memories and the feelings of the past.
Find time to be with this part of who you are, whether this means:
- finding time to have a good cry, or
- looking at those cute baby pictures and appreciate how that adorable child is still alive within you.

2. Set helpful limits (for more information on this, read the second step in my newest book, The Resilient Woman) to actively care for yourself during this time:

Get enough sleep.
Don’t overindulge with alcohol.
Allow yourself some treats, but don’t feel you need to jump into the dessert table with both hands, and God forbid, both feet.
Say “no” as a complete sentence when asked to do something that is not right for you.
Say “yes” to doing something you want to do, even if it is not part of your family tradition.

3. Create new traditions that make more sense to the adult you are now:

Buy yourself a present instead of being stressed about not getting what you really want.
Take the pressure off. Tell yourself you don’t need to:
- make the perfect meal, or
- send out cards to everyone you know, or
- have the perfect tree.
Get other family members involved:
- ask family and friends to not bring alcohol to your family gathering, or
- ask everyone to bring a dish instead of trying to make all the food yourself, or
- decide when to spend quiet time with those you love, rather than feeling you need to say “yes” to all invitations.

What does this all add up to? Giving yourself permission to try some new behaviors by putting your resilience into action.

Challenge those girly thoughts that tell you to please others, and try to take care of yourself. Now that’s a real gift!

For more tips on dealing with the holidays if you come from a family that had those painful struggles (particularly over the holidays, like the tree being thrown out the window), listen to Dan and I speak about my book, 12 Steps to Self-Parenting on Beyond50Radio.com, a radio show for baby boomers …12.6 @ 3pm ET. To join our live conversation call — (724) 444-7444. Dial 59781# when asked for talk show ID. Or listen to it online.

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Recognize Your Everyday Heroism and That of Other Extraordinary Women – Support The Red Suitcase – a film of one ordinary woman’s extraordinary journey into life

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

The Red Suitcase Indiegogo Video from Red Suitcase Films on Vimeo.

Everyday Heroism

What does it take to be a hero? To be someone of courage who, despite overwhelming fear, takes a step outside of the known and blazes a new trail in her own life?

Something unusual? Not really. I have found in my own life (and in the lives of the women I know and have treated) that it often takes a crisis that we know on some level will either make us or break us to do what seems to be the impossible—and this is to change. It is these very crises that result in shaping us, creating the person who we are now.

Using a crisis to consciously grow is the first step in my book The Resilient Woman. And that is what this extraordinary film—The Red Suitcase—is about. It asks, “How do I separate myself from the life I’ve lived? How do I move forward from the script I have followed, the one that told me what was expected of me as a woman, as a dutiful wife, as a mother, to see what life can hold for me now?”

The Red Suitcase

The Red Suitcase is a movie that is being developed, and it needs your help. It’s about a 66-year-old woman who, with her grown daughter’s help, has to find the courage to start her life over. The film is based on a true story about the writer’s mother, who suddenly found herself alone and penniless after her husband of 35 years, the writer’s father, walked out of her life. Here is the story of one woman’s conscious development of her resilience as she challenges her girly thoughts that tell her that at her age, her life is over.

Need Your Support

Dana White (the daughter and writer) and her husband, Chris, are using Indiegogo to generate funding. They launched a 60 day campaign on November 13, 2013, and are looking for further support to get the movie made. Here’s the link:

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-red-suitcase

I’m supporting The Red Suitcase because it will resonate with women, empowering us to take care of ourselves. It documents how we can make sense of our personal chaos, using this to garner strength, to develop resilience, and to grow. On a very moving level this is the story of every woman– our mother, our grandmother, our aunt, our friend, and perhaps even ourselves. It reminds me of a basic concept I learned during my teaching days—each one, teach one. The Red Suitcase can do this. Will you help?

Recognize Your Everyday Heroism and That of Other Extraordinary Women . . .Support The Red Suitcase . . . a film of one ordinary woman’s extraordinary journey into life

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When Your Girly Thoughts Hit You in the Face

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble
www.patriciaogorman.com

I recently gave a luncheon talk to almost 300 business leaders. I was excited. But as many talks are, it was arranged months in advance, and a personal medical concern arose that resulted in some minor surgery and a bandage on my face just in time for this major event.

Now I could have entered that room full of professionals totally wrapped in a bandage, teasingly unwrapping myself as I spoke, revealing a little more with the removal of each strip, and having my audience in stitches before I revealed my own bandage. But such playful, resilient thinking was not what was going through my mind. Instead, there were my very own girly thoughts, informing me that speaking with a bandaged face would was shameful, that I couldn’t do this to my audience or myself.

My girly thoughts were insisting that if I gave my speech it would:

upset my audience
make it difficult for them to listen to me
focus attention on my bandaged face and not on what I was saying

Once again, I was experiencing what I wrote about in my book, The Resilient Woman: Our girly thoughts give us compelling reasons for why we should shrink from our power if we do not conform to these subtle societal standards.

The Ridiculous Pain When We Know We Don’t Look Our Best

I laughed when I finally realized that even though I “wrote the book” on this very subject, here I was again, feeling my very own girly thoughts, again. And yes, I was feeling it with all the almost-sick-to-my-stomach, feeling-like-my-face-was-on-fire, weak-kneed fear my mind could create.

To give my self some credit, I was getting head-turning stares as I walked around Albany, New York, and New York City. People were curious; I noticed more than a few double takes, which I’m not sure people were even aware of executing.

A Man Is Seen as Intriguing. . . A Woman as Damaged

I was at the point of canceling my presentation when a conversation I had with my father came to mind. He had a similar surgery on the same part of his face. I remember asking him if he was concerned about having a scar. He shrugged in his way and smiled.

“No,” he said, “it will give me character.”

In recalling this conversation, an essential difference between how society sees men and women came to mind. A man with a scar on his face is intriguing; a woman is often seen as damaged.

And I was feeling damaged.

Using Our Resilience Consciously

So I challenged myself, telling myself that what I was dealing with was no different than pushing through a really bad hair day. I realized that I could consciously use my resilience to help me through this, well, crisis, just as I had written about in my book. I recalled how I had handled other such moments in my life when I had to “show up” knowing I would be judged. I decided that if folks had a problem with my bandage, I could allow it to be their problem and not make it mine.

Much to the audience’s surprise, I began my talk with this revelation. Later, so many women came up to thank me for my bravery in coming. My decision to overcome my girly thoughts empowered them to share their truth about letting their own girly thoughts take over and they shared their stories of missing a twenty-fifth high school reunion, important meetings, a wedding—all because they feared being seen as damaged.

So when your girly thoughts literally hit you in the face, take heart: you too can learn to laugh at them, as you also learn to use your resilience consciously to help yourself through those tough times that season all our lives.

Now I hope to empower you to overcome your own girly thoughts: read the news coverage of my speech that taught me something about my own resilience, complete with a picture, at http://shar.es/EXCWJ.

I invite you to share a story of how you’ve literally had to face down your girly thoughts. It will be good for all of us to see that we’re not alone in this.

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When He Thinks You’re Crazy . . . Could the Reason Be Your Girly Thoughts?

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble
www.patriciaogorman.com

I know these might seem like strange words coming from a psychologist, but stop a moment and try this on: When you back someone you love into a corner by blaming him for feeling bad about yourself, and he tells you you’re nuts, it’s hurtful—to him and to you. But consider that you may be literally making yourself nuts by your thoughts and feelings telling you that you are not good enough and you need to change.

Those “I’m not okay the way I am” feelings are due to your girly thoughts—those thoughts that you need to alter how you act, how you look, or you’ll lose your man.

Making Ourselves Nuts

By saying this, I’m not implying that all relationship challenges you are experiencing are your fault. No, I am definitely not saying that. What I am saying is that some of the negative ideas you may be struggling with are within your control. And I’m encouraging you to take control of your thinking.

Don’t Blame Him

The problem is that you may not be identifying your girly thoughts for what they are: a function of our intense media holding up images of desirable women—many of them so digitally altered that they do not look like themselves—as the “ideal” to which we should all aspire. The result is that when we don’t measure up—as we cannot because these are no longer real people—we feel terrible about ourselves.

But instead of seeing your girly thoughts as the reason you may be feeling insecure, you’re tempted to blame your feelings of inadequacy on your partner, creating conflict in a part of your life where you need support. For example, you decided to be a sexy watermelon for Halloween. You put on your costume, went to a party, and decided he thought you looked fat because he was hanging out with the good witch. Now, he didn’t say this. You assumed it, and the unfortunate result was confusing him and making him feel defensive because he doesn’t know where you are coming from.

Are we crazy?

Why do women do this? Because trying to keep up with what you feel you should do and should be is exhausting. He’s there. He becomes a logical target, because someone has to be responsible for how bad you feel about yourself.

Wrong. Consider the possibility that it isn’t him. Try on that it’s probably your girly thoughts.

Consequences of Your Girly Thoughts: You Push Him Away

As a result of being blamed, he:

• feels hurt, wronged, confused, maybe angry, and frightened (even though most men are loath to admit to this)

• can feel your unhappiness, but he knows he hasn’t changed, so he thinks it’s you—you’re crazy.

So what to do?

• First, take a deep breath and realize that you’re not crazy even though your girly thoughts can make you feel that way;

• Then realize he probably doesn’t think you’re crazy, he’s just not sure what to do.

• And when you are ready, talk to him. I know: this is the scary part. But don’t you think that because he cares for you, he wants to know what is going on? He’ll want to reassure you? He might even laugh with you at some of the absurdities in the media? Who knows, maybe sharing your girly thoughts with him will bring you even closer.

Send me a post about how challenging your girly thoughts has changed your relationship with him.

–

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Digital Dreams and your Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble
www.patriciaogorman.com

In case you think you are not really affected by the media, watch this short video. It shows a perfectly lovely young woman who is digitally altered—and I’m not speaking about the changes we all enjoy, like adding makeup and doing our hair. This is on a whole different level.

Here is a short, brilliant example of how we all chase the digital dream. The challenge we have is that we do not know we are dreaming, and we forget it is a digital dream—that means it’s been photoshopped. So we need to wake up! We need see this manipulation for what it is and understand what happens to us when we internalize these digital dreams of how we should look. If this video wasn’t so ridiculous and compelling, we’d all be tempted to laugh.

Digital Dreaming . . .

There are changes to the young woman’s facial features, cosmetic surgery-type changes. Her facial features are sculpted to the point where she doesn’t even look like herself; her shoulders are reshaped oh-so-subtly, and there is, of course, the mandatory tummy tuck and breast enhancement. Her torso is even elongated (which is still beyond the skill range of most surgeons, I think, but let me know if I’m wrong). You get the picture. Please watch it now.

This is a perfect example of what I address in my newest book, The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power, where I give a name to these messages—the negative things we are encouraged to about ourselves—our girly thoughts. The result is that as you berate yourself for not being able to obtain these digital dreams; you use your personal power for everyone in your life but yourself. And if someone mentions how good you look, you tend to doubt that person’s sincerity. Talk about a no-win situation! It’s a trap for you and for those close to you.

The way out? Develop your conscious resilience so you can combat those girly thoughts, laugh at images like these, accept that the media’s message about beauty is digitally enhanced beyond reality, embrace your own perfection, and find more peace and joy in your life.

How to Wake UP . . .

First, recognize when you are looking at a digital dream.
When you get together with your girlfriends, start a conversation about the latest one you’ve seen.
If you are a mother, teacher, counselor, or neighbor, please point out the digital dream to your daughter, or niece, or the child in your class who is trying to copy some of these looks or is fretting about not being that tall, that thin, that pretty. Give them the term girly thoughts to describe this type of societally driven thinking, and help them avoid being sucked into this nonsense that robs them of developing their power.

Send in the images you find that are clearly digital dreams. I hope you’ll bookmark this article and come back often to post those you find in the comments. Let’s out these images that trip us up when we think of them as real, and let’s support each other in doing this.

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Celebrity Status Is a Breeding Ground for Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble
www.patriciaogorman.com

image source: http://clarityway.com

This poignant and powerful infographic by Clarity Way illustrates how some celebrities deal with girly thoughts.

Do you ever wonder if you are particularly susceptible to an obsession with the clear and/or implied messages of how you should or should not act, how you should or should not look? Do you ever wonder if you are the only one who seems to be ruled by girly thoughts?

The answer is NO. Girly thoughts are a product of our culture. They are also a product of our need as women to fit into the latest version of whatever is desirable and acceptable.

Girly thoughts are powerful because they represent a way to reach the ideal. That is a very big hook.

And don’t think anyone is exempt from the incredible power of culture and the girly thoughts that come from its influence. Just who is ruled by those thoughts might surprise you, though.

Continue reading “Celebrity Status Is a Breeding Ground for Girly Thoughts”

Being Sexy Where It Counts: Resiliency in Action

By Patricia O’Gorman, Ph.D.

Author of The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

It is a painful fact that women who have challenged and overcome their girly thoughts in the boardroom are stymied by them in the bedroom.

As a psychologist, I am privy to many secrets. Most secrets are wrapped in shame, shared in a low, often choked, voice that indicates the great emotional and physical discomfort of the woman sharing them. But there is one secret I’ve heard for many years that is shared only in hushed tones, the woman’s head down and her face strewn with tears. One woman told me she had other friends who struggled with “this”; they even had a private club so they could talk about it without others knowing. Another shared that she knew her marriage could not last because of this secret. More recently, women are just angry. The secret?

These women were more successful in their careers and were making more money than their husbands, and the power imbalance they felt in their marriages were unbearable. So unbearable, in fact, that they felt the need to divorce.

Crazy? Who said our girly thoughts make sense when examined in the clear light of day?

Over the years, the number of women making more than their husbands has steadily risen; it is currently 40 percent, and that is a substantial number. The idea that a woman could be the primary wage earner was almost unheard of a generation ago.

So if 40 percent is such a good number, why don’t women feel empowered by their earning capacity? Why would a woman feel shame that her man is not making more money than she is? Why is she embarrassed, and why does this non-traditional situation create such discord in an intimate partnership that the only solution appears to be a divorce?

For some of us, the answer lies in our girly thoughts, the unconsciously accepted set of rules by which we live our lives. These girly thoughts tell us that we deserve to be taken care of, that we are only desirable if we are dependent on our husbands. When girly thoughts run the show, we believe there is something shameful in earning more than our husbands earn.

And we believe our girly thoughts, those nasty, sometimes unconscious, standards that we can never meet, even when doing so means we may divorce a man we love, The painful fact is that women who have challenged and overcome their girly thoughts in the boardroom are often stymied by them in the bedroom. The same women who push to be their best at work, who are willing to risk not being liked because they put their ideas and an important part of who they are “out there” feel unable to do the same in their most intimate relationship.

In my book, The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power, I discuss this particular resilience style, which I term paradoxical resilience. Women who have a paradoxical resilience style function like two different people: they use their resilience clearly in work but not at home. The career woman whose words and actions say “This is who I am; deal with it,” often finds it much more difficult at home to assert the same confidence. “I am a successful woman, and I love you” just doesn’t get shared in the same way.

The results? Poor communication that leads to resentment, and divorce becomes a painful but clear way out.

Change is confusing, particularly when we are altering what we expect from an intimate partner. Change is painful and scary when it occurs within a committed relationship and we are moving and wanting different things. Some of us cover our fear with anger, others with developing a new goal—divorce. But some of us step into the void that change creates and use our resilience to navigate our wants and needs to develop a new and vastly improved model of what we rejected. Rather than a woman’s success being a game ender, this can be a new beginning for a marriage.

The first step toward any change that occurs in our intimate relationships lies within. So dig deep and ask yourself what it is that you want, knowing that you can use your resilience to help you get there. If it is to end your marriage through divorce, or to create a new relationship with your husband, one that bucks current norms — then your resilience is there to support you, and to help you do this. The world is changing, and women are responsible for many of these changes. It is now time for each of us to change the unhelpful parts of our thinking—our girly thoughts—so they do not keep limiting us in any part of our lives.

Here is Florence and the Machine’s “Dog Days Are Over” — A beautiful song and appropriate to our conversation. Enjoy.

Continue reading “Being Sexy Where It Counts: Resiliency in Action”

Who is Your Model for Resilience?

By Patricia O’Gorman, Ph.D.

Author of The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

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I was a recent speaker at a “Theology on Tap” lecture. This speaker series takes place in the fun, relaxed setting of a local pub, and my topic, of course, was my latest book, The Resilient Woman. All was going well when I was asked, “Who are your models for resilience?”

I had an immediate answer: my resilience models are in the films I enjoy—Beatrice Kiddoe, (the heroine in the Kill Bill movies), and Katniss Evergreen, the heroine in The Hunger Games—and in the real world. They also include women like political activist Aung San Suu Kyi from Burma, who was imprisoned for her efforts to reform Myanmar, as well as my own mother and grandmother. Later, as I contemplated the question again, I realized that this is a question men would not ask each other. Men have their role models, and many of them, from all sectors of life.

For women, the question “Who are your models” has many answers, but few of them are obvious. This is a shame, and the reason is that, quite frankly, women have not been routinely celebrated in history. We have been largely invisible and our accomplishments not deemed worthy of note due to our gender. We have even been punished because some saw stepping outside of defined roles as “unfortunate.” As a result, many of the role models we choose, are, well, personal. So to be asked this question often causes a pause as we each must stop and consider our answer.

One of the reasons this is such an important question for each of us isn’t because of a lack of available heroines. But sadly, there are many models for the superficial (and ultimately devastating) notions of what society holds up as important. We secretly admire and aspire to be something we are not—and most often, we focus on the way we look—and these internalized ideas become our girly thoughts, the subtle, outside messages we internalize that cause us to blame ourselves—even berate ourselves—for not achieving what we feel we should. Girly thoughts are decidedly anti-resilience.

A few days after my lecture, my book editor sent me an article that spoke to this dilemma of who our models and heroines might be. It illustrated how a professional photographer is teaching her daughter to celebrate real women by having the five-year-old pose as famous women and taking a picture of her as each of these inspirational women from history. What a terrific use of this mother’s strength and talent, I thought, as she teaches her daughter—and the rest of us—how to answer this question.

I invite you to view her gallery here and then ask yourself the question, “Who would pose your daughter as?” I hope you’ll share your thoughts in the comments, too! Women today have the ability and the opportunity to reshape the discussion so the generations that follow us will be the resilient women of the future. Let’s give them the models they need to banish girly thoughts forever!

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