college students Archives - The Powerful Woman

Sexual Politics in a Brief Encounter…NO Girly Thoughts Allowed

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

www.patriciaogorman.com

Sexual politics run deep in our responses, even in casual meetings. We act like dutiful little girls in our responses, and in an almost instinctive reaction, we do to ourselves what society has taught us to do. This reaction, which I’ve named girly thoughts, is one I fight against, and I’ve coined the term and literally written the book!

I was in a restaurant yesterday in the small town where I live when a man entered and approached me. He smiled and said, “I saw your profile in Strictly Business,” pause, “ and it was good.”

I stood so at least he wouldn’t be looking down at me, but then I almost did that girly thing—you know, the shrug, the modest “Oh, it was nothing,” statement accompanied by a smile and a giggle. Doing so would have taken away his compliment and my power. Instead, I did something that is still uncomfortable for me but is a much more honest reflection of how I feel: I looked at him directly, smiled, and thanked him.

The Subtle Dance

My reaction to his compliment seemed to surprise him. He quickly told me he had been profiled in the same magazine. That was nice to know, but that isn’t why he shared the information; he wanted me to know I didn’t have anything up on him. Then he felt it necessary to state that of course his wife had been profiled in the women’s edition.

Keeping in mind the subtle dance of societal expectations that is part of so many of our daily encounters, I decided his message here was not terribly subtle. He is a businessman, but his wife and I only qualify for special treatment in the women’s edition. I almost laughed.

Don’t Let Your Girly Thoughts Stop You from Receiving a Compliment

Is he a bad guy? No. He’s a community leader, an active volunteer, someone who I may even work with on a community need we began discussing. But he is a male schooled in seeing women a certain way, and I somewhat unbalanced him by not playing along.

I found not only his reaction striking but also my strong tug to do this dance with him. What should you do when you next encounter this type of subtle sexism that feeds your girly thoughts? In the words of that old song: Don’t Dance.

So what should women do when we are presented with a compliment?

Accept it, don’t talk it away.
Stand up straighter; you’ve just been seen.
Let sink in, and use it to empower you to do more great things.

When you’re stressed from going through a day filled with this type of tension, don’t anesthetize yourself with that beer or glass of wine, but instead, figure out the best way to fight your girly thoughts.

If you’d like to see my profile that caused such a stir, visit Strictly Business (http://www.sbmonthly.com/pubs/#22), and watch for future blogs on the impact of being a ‘cover girl’, this time for professional reasons.

Next stops:

TONIGHT: SUNY Potsdam, Potsdam, NY, April 16, 7-8:30 p.m., I’ll be speaking about: Freeing Yourself From Your Girly Thoughts in the Fireside Lounge, Barrington Student Union
Schenectady, NY, The Electric City: April 18, 1:00 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. Book signing at The Open Door Bookstore.
Grand Island, NE: April 30: I’ll be giving a workshop on “Trauma” from 8:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and a speech over dinner titled “Girly Thoughts” from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.
New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.”
Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction”
Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

What Turns You On? (Hint—It’s Not Your Girly Thoughts)

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

facebook.com/drpatriciaogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

Many things probably turn you on, as they should. One thing that really turns me on is going to the Electric City. For those of you who do not know the lore of upstate New York, this city is also called Schenectady, and it’s the home of GE, aka General Electric.

It is also a place I fell in love with when I first left New York City. I almost moved there after having found the perfect home across the street from the Mohawk River in the famous Stockade section of Schenectady.

The Electric City’s Ups and Downs

Schenectady has seen its share of up and downs, like many cities—and like many of us. There was the glory of the city in its youth, much like it was in our own, its downturn in middle age as it gained weight and didn’t take care of itself . . . sound familiar?

But Schenectady is rediscovering its power as it matures, due in part to the arts. And like this great city, many of you in school, and many baby boomers, too, are discovering your power by moving beyond the box you feel you are in.

What Keeps Us in that Box?

We all get stuck. We all feel that if something worked once, it will work again. This may be true for cities, and it is certainly true for women who believe the answer to not being good enough is trying harder to do all the things they feel they couldn’t master in the first place.

Now many things may constrain us, but one in particular—girly thoughts, the name I’ve given to how we internalize those negative societal messages and use them to disempower ourselves—will be the focus of my next talk.

Breaking Out of Your Box and Anchoring in Your Creative Self

A city’s rebirth through the arts is a metaphor here. For Schenectady, this involved investing in venues like Proctor’s, a major performance art space in this upstate New York city and in supporting smaller venues like the Open Door Bookstore (don’t you just love the name?).

Join Me!

I will signing books at the Open Door on Saturday, April 18 from 1:00 to 2:30 p.m. And I will be joined by fellow author and friend Jane Collen, an intellectual property lawyer who writes children’s books.

We feel we represent the best mother-daughter gift available: our books help young girls see their power and help older girls and mothers not fall prey to internalizing and believing those nasty societal messages concerning how women should look and act that I’ve named girly thoughts.

Honoring Your Roots

The name Schenectady comes from Mohawk roots and means beyond the pines. And if a city like Schenectady can see its fair share of challenges and keep its tongue-twisting name, maybe there’s a message for all of us about staying close to our roots and feeling pride in how we see ourselves.

I hope you’ll join me for this fun event in Schenectady, New York, on Saturday, April 18.

Next stops:

Grand Island, NE: April 30: I’ll be giving a workshop on “Trauma” from 8:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and a speech over dinner titled “Girly Thoughts” from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.
New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.
Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction.”
Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus.

If Students in Potsdam Can Learn About Girly Thoughts, Why Not You?

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

I’m so excited . . . I’ve been invited to speak at the State University of New York (SUNY) at Potsdam on April 16.

I’ll be addressing a group of students from 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. in the Fireside Lounge of the Barrington Student Union about hitting gender issues head on. I was invited by the SUNY chapter of Student Activists for Gender Equality—SAGE—a national organization devoted to advocacy of women’s and gender issues.

What will I be speaking to them, and maybe to you, about? Girly thoughts—how we as women internalize these messages of how we should look and act. I’ll share the very real truth that women use these messages from outside as a yardstick in assessing our own acceptability, and as a result we increase our stress and deplete our personal resources.

Why Call This Girly Thoughts?

I’m a psychologist in New York state. I’ve spent a great deal of time figuring out what is in a person’s mind, and I know that naming something is one way to take away its power. That is why I developed the concept of girly thoughts: by giving a name to this thing we do to ourselves, we can externalize it and realize the thoughts are not who we are but what we are thinking . . . and then we can stop thinking them.

Girly Thoughts Are Expensive

Having two thoughts at the same time is difficult and costly. When you are obsessing about your hair, or that nasty post about your rear on Facebook (yes, we do this to each other, not just to ourselves), you are misdirecting your energy—energy that could be spent on achieving your personal goals. Girly thoughts cost you when you’re focused on all the ways you aren’t good enough because you don’t have the energy to focus on being your best self.

Girly Thoughts—The Grand Misdirection

Those of you who watch the news, read spy thrillers, or watch mysteries are familiar with the concept of misdirection. It is intentionally leading you away from this so you won’t discover it. Our girly thoughts function in much the same way. They keep us focused on our hair, our dress, how we speak, and so on through misdirecting us—but from what?

From our power.

Being a Good Little Girl Instead of a Powerful Woman

If women are really 51 percent of our population, then why are women only about 6 percent of our elected officials? Why is there a multibillion-dollar industry focused on dieting and make-up that is all directed at women? Why does the fashion industry work so hard to make us feel we are somehow defective if we are not sporting the latest spring colors? Am I saying this is a conspiracy? No . . . but developing what I’ve named girly thoughts is a natural outcome when we are constantly bombarded by these demeaning messages.

These examples are all part of a grand misdirection to keep you focused on trying to be good little girl, on being acceptable, so you don’t have the focus, energy, or group support to organize what you need to really be successful.

Competing with Other Women

You may be surprised to hear me say women don’t see other women as natural allies. This is true—we are so competitive with other women that we don’t group together and organize to get what we need to be successful. Regardless our personal political views, every woman needs good female reproductive health care, a higher minimum wage, predictable, quality child care . . . You get it!

Girly Thoughts Are a Choice

Why are students concerned? Because this is their life, their world, and they want to be active players in it. They want to make their own decisions; they want to have every opportunity in life and not be limited by the shoulds embodied in their girly thoughts. And if they can explore this, maybe you can as well.

Next stops:

Schenectady, NY, The Electric City: April 18, 1:00 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. Book signing at The Open Door Bookstore.
Grand Island, NE: April 30: I’ll be giving a workshop on “Trauma” from 8:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and a speech over dinner titled “Girly Thoughts” from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.
New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.
Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction”
Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus