girly thoughts Archives - Page 7 of 8 - The Powerful Woman

Setting Examples for our Daughters: What Mothers teach their Daughters about Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

and coming in 2014

Out Your Girly Thoughts…Embrace Your Strength workbook (coming April 2014 from HCI Books)

We say one picture is worth a thousand words. If that is so, then one video must be worth many more.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I encourage you to watch the video below (sent to me by a reader) of a participant at the Barnard College poetry slam. In it, a young woman speaks to what she sees in her mother that both concerns and infuriates her. She expresses her pain about how the intergenerational messages she has internalized hurt both her and her mother.

Those of us who are mothers may believe that our daughters just follow our directives and do not see the context, do not see our actions or those of our mothers (their grandmothers). We think they do not see the price we pay for following the culturally directed girly thoughts that tell us how to act and how to think, and that promise rejection if we stray from acting in this narrow cultural band.

Think again.

Learning to Take Up Less Space

The poet in this video speaks to how generations of women in her family have been groomed and coached to take up less and less space. “I have been taught accommodation,” she says.

She speaks to being concerned that her mother sneaks downstairs at midnight to secretly eat food to which she does not feel entitled. She talks about how her mother masks her pain with lips coated with wine.

Yes, women have been coached for generations to be smaller, to “wane” as their husbands ‘wax’; coached to be the “woman behind the man,” to be important, yes, but invisible and unrecognized.

But our daughters will break this cycle, won’t they?

“Spend enough time sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits. That’s why the women in my family have been shrinking for decades,” the poet muses.

Sound familiar? Listen to Lilly and ask yourself… is this me as well?

What Can We Do to Support Our Daughters?

Encourage them to give voice to their concerns about us

Ask your daughter to discuss what concerns her about you. Her answers may be difficult to listen to, but it is better to have your daughter put this into words than just do what women have been trained to do, which is to internalize what they are concerned about and not speak up.

Listen to what our daughters are saying

Sometimes it is difficult to listen to our children, particularly when they are angry—speaking to us with raised voices, using profanity, acting in a way we feel is inappropriate, yelling to us from another room. Our children’s behavior may mask what they are saying—but what they are saying may be right on. Listen to the message; don’t just tune it out because you don’t like the delivery.

Change your behavior

Yes, you may need to change. Your daughter’s concerns may be well-founded. There may very well be something there that your daughter is picking up on that you should address by changing your actions, changing your thinking, changing the messages you are sending.

Crisis Is Opportunity

As I wrote in the first step of my book, The Resilient Woman, patriciaogorman.com, crisis is opportunity. Let this “crisis” of your daughter confronting you on modeling inappropriate, ingrained behaviors and attitudes be the opportunity for you to change in a way that benefits you and frees your daughter from following your girly thoughts.

–

If you enjoyed this article, please subscribe to my blog and you’ll never miss a post! It’s easy: Just enter your email address on the right side of this page, just below “Recent Posts” or by clicking here:

And please know that I’ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information—that’s a promise!

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Saranac Lake, New York, is noted for her work on women, trauma, and substance abuse and for her warm, inspiring, and funny presentations that make complex issues accessible and fun. She has served as a consultant to organizations in preventative and clinical strategic planning. Dr. O’Gorman is a cofounder of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACOA), and she has held positions ranging from clinical director of a child welfare agency to interim director of a crime victims organization to director of the division of prevention for the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). Learn more at http://patriciaogorman.com

A Precious Gift for You, for The Holidays: Connecting to YOU!

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

and coming in 2014

Out Your Girls Thoughts and Embrace Your Strength workbook

We all love receiving presents. They are tokens of friendship: the cookies you bake and give to neighbors; tokens of caring, such as the book of poetry you give to your boyfriend. In some ways, presents signify our worthiness, as in being the worthy recipient of gifts from others: the locket your husband gives you, the potholder made for you with love by your granddaughter, the camisole given shyly by your partner. Sometimes gifts are even necessary, such as the money you may give your children.

Gifts connect us to others

Giving and receiving gifts are ways we connect with others, from the packet of family recipes you receive from your mother to the oil change your daughter gives you for your car. Gifts connect us to each other by saying, “I know you; we belong together; I care; I see what you need; your needs are important to me; you are valued.” And we all need connection.

Gifts are fun

Not to mention that gifts are fun—the festive, maybe even inventive, wrappings and bows and the thoughts behind them; the understanding that someone cares enough to think about what you may like, may need, what will make you feel special. Yes, there is an element of caring, even love, in every gift you receive.

Gifts can connect us to ourselves

And in this season of giving, hopefully you have you on your own list, giving something to yourself that you may want and may even need.

There are some things only we can give ourselves.

You may decide to make sure you receive exactly what you want and give yourself presents that are material, tangible reminders that you do care for yourself, that you value yourself, even if they require that you make sacrifices, well, for yourself.

Your self-gifting might include splurging to buy those jeans in the right cut and color, those earrings with just the perfect bling, that lipstick and nail polish that match just so, but these aren’t the only things you can give yourself.

You can also give yourself intangible gifts, such as relief from those thoughts and feelings that disconnect you from yourself, thoughts for which you pay a high price, thoughts that weigh you down and cause you to doubt yourself (or worse, hate yourself).

Give yourself the gift of releasing your girly thoughts.

Gifting yourself through connecting . . . to you:

This is a time of year to begin to envision what your life would be like without your girly thoughts, those thoughts that demand you act within a very narrow band of acceptable looks and acceptable behavior, and promise dire consequences when you do not. A special gift to give yourself is to play with the possibilities of how wonderful your life can be when you free yourself from needing to be someone you are not.

Try these simple steps:

Begin to play with the possibilities . . .

Stay in touch with how you feel, not just with what you need to do. Listen to your inner voice. I know that what you need to do voice is the louder voice, especially now, but experiment with turning up the volume on your feeling voice.
Make a note on your phone or your computer, even on a piece of paper, about your feelings, and if you have time, about what you like and what you don’t.
Experiment with sharing how you feel with someone you trust, at least once, maybe even twice.

It’s easy to tell yourself “I don’t have time,” but you’re making time to read this, aren’t you? Guaranteed you have another five minutes in your day, somewhere, and giving yourself this time can be a gift in and of itself. And just imagine for a moment how much more connected to you will feel to you!

Now that’s some gift!

–

And please know that I’ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information—that’s a promise!

Be Strong and Shine for Your Children: The Impact of Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

and coming in 2014

Out Your Girls Thoughts and Embrace Your Strength workbook

Our children learn from us by the ways we act, what we eat, even how we dress. How many of us have found our daughters trying on our clothes or walking in our high heels? Using our make-up? Spraying on our perfume? How many of us have worked with our sons in the kitchen? Or noticed them picking up our facial expressions? So is it such a surprise that they would try on our language?

The Power of Our Words

They notice not only the language we use when we speak to them, but also the language we use to describe ourselves to our friends, our families, and even strangers we interact with. They notice how we mumble about wishing we hadn’t done something or how we would be “better” if we were different in some way.

The Impact of Our Girly Thoughts

So when we internalize our girly thoughts, those media-driven messages about how we should look and act that result in our feeling less than, those self-judgments come out of our mouths.

They have an impact. Not just on us, but also on our children.

The example we set is just one of the many influences that help to form our children’s opinions and values. Combine those with the impact of media—television, magazines, movies, the Internet, and those video games—and the influences of their friends and their other family members, and it is easy to see why our children feel inadequate and less than, no matter how accomplished they might actually be.

These influences are often so subtle that they are difficult to grab hold of, but they have a huge impact on both our children and us.

But We Now Have A New Tool

We can begin to make ourselves more aware of that negative inner dialogue—our girly thoughts—and challenge the messages.

We have new tool to help us do this, thanks to Pantene. In this new 60-second ad, they show the same actions of young men and women side by side along with the labels commonly used to describe these behaviors—and it is stunning!

http://mashable.com/2013/12/10/pantene-ad-philippines/#:eyJzIjoiZiIsImkiOiJfZjFpMjVsYTVudjEzYWppbCJ9

The Power of Labels

Men are depicted as persuasive, dedicated, neat, and smooth, while the same behaviors in women are seen as pushy, selfish, vain, or showing off. The double standard is palpable and is depicted so very well in a less than one minute.

Don’t Let Labels Hold Your Children Back—Here’s How:

This video is a great teaching tool, and I suggest you use it now. Show it to your children, or even your grandchildren and ask when they have heard these words used about their friends or themselves.

Ask how these words make them or their friends feel.
Ask if these are the best words to describe what they see.

Use these words as teaching tools, and explore them as you watch a show or read a story. Ask you son or daughter if the character is being:

pushy or persuasive
dedicated or selfish
vain or neat
smooth or a show-off

Then ask them how the character feels about the label.

Give Your Children Permission to Challenge Double Standards

Every time we take a step, make a correction, challenge our own thinking and actions or those of others, our children notice. This informs not only their thinking but also their actions, giving them our unspoken permission to also begin to challenge the double standard as they encounter it in their own lives.

Watch your language when you describe yourself. Don’t feed your children’s developing self-worth with girly thoughts.

Challenge those close to you if they try to slap you with an unkind and inaccurate label. Develop your conscious resilience and model it for your children so they have the tools with which to shape their own positive and healthy self-images.

Think about taking these small steps not only for you, but also for those you love. Not a bad way to end this year as we look to see what is ahead!

—

You may manage your subscription options from your profile.

And please know that I’ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information—that’s a promise!

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Albany, and Saranac Lake, New York, is noted for her work on women, trauma, and substance abuse and for her warm, inspiring, and funny presentations that make complex issues accessible and even fun. She has served as a consultant to organizations in preventative and clinical strategic planning including Lifescape Solutions in Delray Beach, Florida. Dr. O’Gorman is a cofounder of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, and she has held positions ranging from clinical director of a child welfare agency to interim director of a crime victims organization to director of the division of prevention for the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). Learn more at http://patriciaogorman.com

– See more at: https://powerfulprod.wpengine.com/#sthash.jmhaXnbO.dpuf

Five Holiday Gifts for Your Daughter as You Teach Her to Challenge Her Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

What Are Girly Thoughts?
Your daughter is a girl, so isn’t she supposed to be thinking thoughts like a girl? Yes, but not these thoughts. Girly thoughts are the subtle conditioning that begins in girlhood and continues throughout life that results in women feeling less than. These are the thoughts that tell us how we should look and also pressure us with how we should act—well, like a girl, and not just any girl, but a popular girl.

Help Her Own Her Skills
So what’s your role as a mother who may be struggling with her own girly thoughts?

First and foremost, you want to help your daughter build her resilience consciously. Yes, even at a young age, your daughter is mastering a series of negative circumstances in life and is developing skills for dealing with them, skills that form the basis for how she will approach other challenges as she matures.

The trick for her is to own that she knows how to:

talk to a mean girl
study for a quiz
ask for what she wants/needs from you
handle her younger sibling’s tantrums
forge her own identity when she’s compared to an older sibling

. . . and the list goes on.

Yes, your daughter already has many skills. The trick is for her to consciously use them, for her conscious use of her skills will allow her skills to become part of her identity.

Consciously Using Her Resilience
The skill set we develop when we deal with difficult circumstances is called our resilience. And while we all have resilience, women often do not consciously walk around thinking of themselves as resilient because for many, this feels unfeminine or even unattractive. This notion that women cannot appear too resilient or too strong begins early.

Tips for Teaching Your Daughter Conscious Resilience
Since you are her greatest teacher, you need to model resilience for her. This means you need to own and consciously use your own resilience in your own life.

So take a moment and think about just what it is that you do. Then find moments to share your insights with her and point out the skills that you use to deal with difficult circumstances. How to do this? Start by saying out loud, “I managed this busy day by deep breathing,” or “I make a list and promising myself a reward when I’ve completed it,” or whatever it is you have done, and then:

share with her the skills you use throughout the day.
name the skills that you see her using in her own life.
point out the silliness of the ads in magazines, on TV, and in the movies that show photoshopped girls doing amazing things that are not real.
speak to her about her real life heroines (perhaps her grandmother, aunt, teacher, or even a classmate), women she knows who are struggling with a major challenge. Point out the skills they are using.
make a list of the skills she uses each day, and hang it on the refrigerator or her closet door.

Help her see herself as someone who is learning how to navigate life’s challenges by using her resilience. This is a sure way to help her be less influenced by the media’s peddling of their collective notion of who she should be and help her kick those girly thoughts to the curb.

—

And please know that I’ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information—that’s a promise!

Recognize Your Everyday Heroism and That of Other Extraordinary Women – Support The Red Suitcase – a film of one ordinary woman’s extraordinary journey into life

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

The Red Suitcase Indiegogo Video from Red Suitcase Films on Vimeo.

Everyday Heroism

What does it take to be a hero? To be someone of courage who, despite overwhelming fear, takes a step outside of the known and blazes a new trail in her own life?

Something unusual? Not really. I have found in my own life (and in the lives of the women I know and have treated) that it often takes a crisis that we know on some level will either make us or break us to do what seems to be the impossible—and this is to change. It is these very crises that result in shaping us, creating the person who we are now.

Using a crisis to consciously grow is the first step in my book The Resilient Woman. And that is what this extraordinary film—The Red Suitcase—is about. It asks, “How do I separate myself from the life I’ve lived? How do I move forward from the script I have followed, the one that told me what was expected of me as a woman, as a dutiful wife, as a mother, to see what life can hold for me now?”

The Red Suitcase

The Red Suitcase is a movie that is being developed, and it needs your help. It’s about a 66-year-old woman who, with her grown daughter’s help, has to find the courage to start her life over. The film is based on a true story about the writer’s mother, who suddenly found herself alone and penniless after her husband of 35 years, the writer’s father, walked out of her life. Here is the story of one woman’s conscious development of her resilience as she challenges her girly thoughts that tell her that at her age, her life is over.

Need Your Support

Dana White (the daughter and writer) and her husband, Chris, are using Indiegogo to generate funding. They launched a 60 day campaign on November 13, 2013, and are looking for further support to get the movie made. Here’s the link:

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/the-red-suitcase

I’m supporting The Red Suitcase because it will resonate with women, empowering us to take care of ourselves. It documents how we can make sense of our personal chaos, using this to garner strength, to develop resilience, and to grow. On a very moving level this is the story of every woman– our mother, our grandmother, our aunt, our friend, and perhaps even ourselves. It reminds me of a basic concept I learned during my teaching days—each one, teach one. The Red Suitcase can do this. Will you help?

Recognize Your Everyday Heroism and That of Other Extraordinary Women . . .Support The Red Suitcase . . . a film of one ordinary woman’s extraordinary journey into life

—

You may manage your subscription options from your profile.

And please know that I’ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information—that’s a promise!

When Your Girly Thoughts Hit You in the Face

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble
www.patriciaogorman.com

I recently gave a luncheon talk to almost 300 business leaders. I was excited. But as many talks are, it was arranged months in advance, and a personal medical concern arose that resulted in some minor surgery and a bandage on my face just in time for this major event.

Now I could have entered that room full of professionals totally wrapped in a bandage, teasingly unwrapping myself as I spoke, revealing a little more with the removal of each strip, and having my audience in stitches before I revealed my own bandage. But such playful, resilient thinking was not what was going through my mind. Instead, there were my very own girly thoughts, informing me that speaking with a bandaged face would was shameful, that I couldn’t do this to my audience or myself.

My girly thoughts were insisting that if I gave my speech it would:

upset my audience
make it difficult for them to listen to me
focus attention on my bandaged face and not on what I was saying

Once again, I was experiencing what I wrote about in my book, The Resilient Woman: Our girly thoughts give us compelling reasons for why we should shrink from our power if we do not conform to these subtle societal standards.

The Ridiculous Pain When We Know We Don’t Look Our Best

I laughed when I finally realized that even though I “wrote the book” on this very subject, here I was again, feeling my very own girly thoughts, again. And yes, I was feeling it with all the almost-sick-to-my-stomach, feeling-like-my-face-was-on-fire, weak-kneed fear my mind could create.

To give my self some credit, I was getting head-turning stares as I walked around Albany, New York, and New York City. People were curious; I noticed more than a few double takes, which I’m not sure people were even aware of executing.

A Man Is Seen as Intriguing. . . A Woman as Damaged

I was at the point of canceling my presentation when a conversation I had with my father came to mind. He had a similar surgery on the same part of his face. I remember asking him if he was concerned about having a scar. He shrugged in his way and smiled.

“No,” he said, “it will give me character.”

In recalling this conversation, an essential difference between how society sees men and women came to mind. A man with a scar on his face is intriguing; a woman is often seen as damaged.

And I was feeling damaged.

Using Our Resilience Consciously

So I challenged myself, telling myself that what I was dealing with was no different than pushing through a really bad hair day. I realized that I could consciously use my resilience to help me through this, well, crisis, just as I had written about in my book. I recalled how I had handled other such moments in my life when I had to “show up” knowing I would be judged. I decided that if folks had a problem with my bandage, I could allow it to be their problem and not make it mine.

Much to the audience’s surprise, I began my talk with this revelation. Later, so many women came up to thank me for my bravery in coming. My decision to overcome my girly thoughts empowered them to share their truth about letting their own girly thoughts take over and they shared their stories of missing a twenty-fifth high school reunion, important meetings, a wedding—all because they feared being seen as damaged.

So when your girly thoughts literally hit you in the face, take heart: you too can learn to laugh at them, as you also learn to use your resilience consciously to help yourself through those tough times that season all our lives.

Now I hope to empower you to overcome your own girly thoughts: read the news coverage of my speech that taught me something about my own resilience, complete with a picture, at http://shar.es/EXCWJ.

I invite you to share a story of how you’ve literally had to face down your girly thoughts. It will be good for all of us to see that we’re not alone in this.

—

You may manage your subscription options from your profile.

And please know that I’ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information—that’s a promise!

– See more at: https://powerfulprod.wpengine.com/#sthash.qXhfsPi4.dpuf

When He Thinks You’re Crazy . . . Could the Reason Be Your Girly Thoughts?

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble
www.patriciaogorman.com

I know these might seem like strange words coming from a psychologist, but stop a moment and try this on: When you back someone you love into a corner by blaming him for feeling bad about yourself, and he tells you you’re nuts, it’s hurtful—to him and to you. But consider that you may be literally making yourself nuts by your thoughts and feelings telling you that you are not good enough and you need to change.

Those “I’m not okay the way I am” feelings are due to your girly thoughts—those thoughts that you need to alter how you act, how you look, or you’ll lose your man.

Making Ourselves Nuts

By saying this, I’m not implying that all relationship challenges you are experiencing are your fault. No, I am definitely not saying that. What I am saying is that some of the negative ideas you may be struggling with are within your control. And I’m encouraging you to take control of your thinking.

Don’t Blame Him

The problem is that you may not be identifying your girly thoughts for what they are: a function of our intense media holding up images of desirable women—many of them so digitally altered that they do not look like themselves—as the “ideal” to which we should all aspire. The result is that when we don’t measure up—as we cannot because these are no longer real people—we feel terrible about ourselves.

But instead of seeing your girly thoughts as the reason you may be feeling insecure, you’re tempted to blame your feelings of inadequacy on your partner, creating conflict in a part of your life where you need support. For example, you decided to be a sexy watermelon for Halloween. You put on your costume, went to a party, and decided he thought you looked fat because he was hanging out with the good witch. Now, he didn’t say this. You assumed it, and the unfortunate result was confusing him and making him feel defensive because he doesn’t know where you are coming from.

Are we crazy?

Why do women do this? Because trying to keep up with what you feel you should do and should be is exhausting. He’s there. He becomes a logical target, because someone has to be responsible for how bad you feel about yourself.

Wrong. Consider the possibility that it isn’t him. Try on that it’s probably your girly thoughts.

Consequences of Your Girly Thoughts: You Push Him Away

As a result of being blamed, he:

• feels hurt, wronged, confused, maybe angry, and frightened (even though most men are loath to admit to this)

• can feel your unhappiness, but he knows he hasn’t changed, so he thinks it’s you—you’re crazy.

So what to do?

• First, take a deep breath and realize that you’re not crazy even though your girly thoughts can make you feel that way;

• Then realize he probably doesn’t think you’re crazy, he’s just not sure what to do.

• And when you are ready, talk to him. I know: this is the scary part. But don’t you think that because he cares for you, he wants to know what is going on? He’ll want to reassure you? He might even laugh with you at some of the absurdities in the media? Who knows, maybe sharing your girly thoughts with him will bring you even closer.

Send me a post about how challenging your girly thoughts has changed your relationship with him.

–

You may manage your subscription options from your profile.

And please know that I’ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information—that’s a promise!

Digital Dreams and your Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble
www.patriciaogorman.com

In case you think you are not really affected by the media, watch this short video. It shows a perfectly lovely young woman who is digitally altered—and I’m not speaking about the changes we all enjoy, like adding makeup and doing our hair. This is on a whole different level.

Here is a short, brilliant example of how we all chase the digital dream. The challenge we have is that we do not know we are dreaming, and we forget it is a digital dream—that means it’s been photoshopped. So we need to wake up! We need see this manipulation for what it is and understand what happens to us when we internalize these digital dreams of how we should look. If this video wasn’t so ridiculous and compelling, we’d all be tempted to laugh.

Digital Dreaming . . .

There are changes to the young woman’s facial features, cosmetic surgery-type changes. Her facial features are sculpted to the point where she doesn’t even look like herself; her shoulders are reshaped oh-so-subtly, and there is, of course, the mandatory tummy tuck and breast enhancement. Her torso is even elongated (which is still beyond the skill range of most surgeons, I think, but let me know if I’m wrong). You get the picture. Please watch it now.

This is a perfect example of what I address in my newest book, The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power, where I give a name to these messages—the negative things we are encouraged to about ourselves—our girly thoughts. The result is that as you berate yourself for not being able to obtain these digital dreams; you use your personal power for everyone in your life but yourself. And if someone mentions how good you look, you tend to doubt that person’s sincerity. Talk about a no-win situation! It’s a trap for you and for those close to you.

The way out? Develop your conscious resilience so you can combat those girly thoughts, laugh at images like these, accept that the media’s message about beauty is digitally enhanced beyond reality, embrace your own perfection, and find more peace and joy in your life.

How to Wake UP . . .

First, recognize when you are looking at a digital dream.
When you get together with your girlfriends, start a conversation about the latest one you’ve seen.
If you are a mother, teacher, counselor, or neighbor, please point out the digital dream to your daughter, or niece, or the child in your class who is trying to copy some of these looks or is fretting about not being that tall, that thin, that pretty. Give them the term girly thoughts to describe this type of societally driven thinking, and help them avoid being sucked into this nonsense that robs them of developing their power.

Send in the images you find that are clearly digital dreams. I hope you’ll bookmark this article and come back often to post those you find in the comments. Let’s out these images that trip us up when we think of them as real, and let’s support each other in doing this.

–

You may manage your subscription options from your profile.

And please know that I’ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information—that’s a promise!

Celebrity Status Is a Breeding Ground for Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD,
author of: The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble
www.patriciaogorman.com

image source: http://clarityway.com

This poignant and powerful infographic by Clarity Way illustrates how some celebrities deal with girly thoughts.

Do you ever wonder if you are particularly susceptible to an obsession with the clear and/or implied messages of how you should or should not act, how you should or should not look? Do you ever wonder if you are the only one who seems to be ruled by girly thoughts?

The answer is NO. Girly thoughts are a product of our culture. They are also a product of our need as women to fit into the latest version of whatever is desirable and acceptable.

Girly thoughts are powerful because they represent a way to reach the ideal. That is a very big hook.

And don’t think anyone is exempt from the incredible power of culture and the girly thoughts that come from its influence. Just who is ruled by those thoughts might surprise you, though.

Continue reading “Celebrity Status Is a Breeding Ground for Girly Thoughts”

Being Sexy Where It Counts: Resiliency in Action

By Patricia O’Gorman, Ph.D.

Author of The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power (HCI, 2013)

Order: Amazon / Barnes & Noble

It is a painful fact that women who have challenged and overcome their girly thoughts in the boardroom are stymied by them in the bedroom.

As a psychologist, I am privy to many secrets. Most secrets are wrapped in shame, shared in a low, often choked, voice that indicates the great emotional and physical discomfort of the woman sharing them. But there is one secret I’ve heard for many years that is shared only in hushed tones, the woman’s head down and her face strewn with tears. One woman told me she had other friends who struggled with “this”; they even had a private club so they could talk about it without others knowing. Another shared that she knew her marriage could not last because of this secret. More recently, women are just angry. The secret?

These women were more successful in their careers and were making more money than their husbands, and the power imbalance they felt in their marriages were unbearable. So unbearable, in fact, that they felt the need to divorce.

Crazy? Who said our girly thoughts make sense when examined in the clear light of day?

Over the years, the number of women making more than their husbands has steadily risen; it is currently 40 percent, and that is a substantial number. The idea that a woman could be the primary wage earner was almost unheard of a generation ago.

So if 40 percent is such a good number, why don’t women feel empowered by their earning capacity? Why would a woman feel shame that her man is not making more money than she is? Why is she embarrassed, and why does this non-traditional situation create such discord in an intimate partnership that the only solution appears to be a divorce?

For some of us, the answer lies in our girly thoughts, the unconsciously accepted set of rules by which we live our lives. These girly thoughts tell us that we deserve to be taken care of, that we are only desirable if we are dependent on our husbands. When girly thoughts run the show, we believe there is something shameful in earning more than our husbands earn.

And we believe our girly thoughts, those nasty, sometimes unconscious, standards that we can never meet, even when doing so means we may divorce a man we love, The painful fact is that women who have challenged and overcome their girly thoughts in the boardroom are often stymied by them in the bedroom. The same women who push to be their best at work, who are willing to risk not being liked because they put their ideas and an important part of who they are “out there” feel unable to do the same in their most intimate relationship.

In my book, The Resilient Woman: Mastering the 7 Steps to Personal Power, I discuss this particular resilience style, which I term paradoxical resilience. Women who have a paradoxical resilience style function like two different people: they use their resilience clearly in work but not at home. The career woman whose words and actions say “This is who I am; deal with it,” often finds it much more difficult at home to assert the same confidence. “I am a successful woman, and I love you” just doesn’t get shared in the same way.

The results? Poor communication that leads to resentment, and divorce becomes a painful but clear way out.

Change is confusing, particularly when we are altering what we expect from an intimate partner. Change is painful and scary when it occurs within a committed relationship and we are moving and wanting different things. Some of us cover our fear with anger, others with developing a new goal—divorce. But some of us step into the void that change creates and use our resilience to navigate our wants and needs to develop a new and vastly improved model of what we rejected. Rather than a woman’s success being a game ender, this can be a new beginning for a marriage.

The first step toward any change that occurs in our intimate relationships lies within. So dig deep and ask yourself what it is that you want, knowing that you can use your resilience to help you get there. If it is to end your marriage through divorce, or to create a new relationship with your husband, one that bucks current norms — then your resilience is there to support you, and to help you do this. The world is changing, and women are responsible for many of these changes. It is now time for each of us to change the unhelpful parts of our thinking—our girly thoughts—so they do not keep limiting us in any part of our lives.

Here is Florence and the Machine’s “Dog Days Are Over” — A beautiful song and appropriate to our conversation. Enjoy.

Continue reading “Being Sexy Where It Counts: Resiliency in Action”