Tag: toxic girly thoughts

Blaming Lady Gaga for Being Raped?

gaga

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

Lady Gaga made news yet again, this time by publicly sharing during the Oscars that she was raped at age 19. Yes, she set off shock waves around the world, not just because she shared something so intimate, but because she challenged each of us to consider how we talk about rape in our own lives.

One of the heartbreaks about being a woman is that it feels like we are blamed by society for everything that happens to us, and sexual assault is no different.

But if you wouldn’t blame Lady Gaga for being raped, why would you blame yourself, or your friends?

Why Do You Blame Women . . . and Maybe Even Yourself?

When you find yourself more responsible than the other person for virtually everything that happens to you, including rape and sexual assault, you are tapping into a conditioned response. Internalization of the continuous media messages as well as all of our family messages leads to the creation of our own negative self-talk, which I’ve named toxic girly thoughts.

Why have a name for this? So we can first identify when we are blaming ourselves for all the woes that come our way and then stop thinking this way!

What You Can Do

This tendency to “blame the victim” needs to be addressed on so many levels. This is why I was thrilled to read Jes Skolnik’s blog on Medium.com: “some guidelines for music/entertainment writers writing about sexual assault [sic].”

Her clear guidelines for those in the entertainment industry also bears consideration for writers and bloggers everywhere, and they have relevance for all of us in how we discuss rape and sexual assault.  Here’s a summary:

  1. Be careful with your language. If there is alleged violence, do not refer to it using the same terminology as consensual sex. This reinforces the pervasive social myth that sexual violence is “sex gone wrong” rather than specific and contextualized violence. . . .

  1. Be clear about your own biases. . . .

  1. FACT CHECK EVERYTHING. . . .

  1. Do not write a story without even attempting to contact the person on the other side of the allegations. . . .

  1. Do not ever, ever pressure someone to tell their sexual assault story to you. If they don’t want to talk, let them go. . . .

  1. Be careful about reporting allegations (from either side) as indisputable fact. . . .

One way to stop the perpetuation of toxic girly thoughts is for us to stop doing to ourselves—and to other woman—what society does to us.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Girly Thought #1: I’m Fat = A Sure Way NOT to Lose Weight in the New Year

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

“Awareness, not deprivation, informs what you eat.” —Geneen Roth

Yes, over the holidays you ate more than you wished you had, and now you feel . . . fat.

Girly Thought #1: I’m Fat

Become aware that the multi-billion dollar diet industry has ramped up, telling you that you need to lose weight, hoping you will buy their no-effort-required books, shakes, pills, plans, magazines.

Their marketing strategy feeds your toxic girly thought’, causing you to internalize corporate images of beauty that make you feel less than, which increase your stress and your eating.

So what do you do? You sign up for the plan or shake, buy the new book, or purchase the magazine (many of which have photos of tantalizing desserts on the cover), as you collapse in exhaustion and then eat a treat because you are stressed.

To Lose Weight, Lose Those Girly Thoughts

Most women are stress eaters. So if you want to lose weight, you have two choices:

  • Go on a diet, which will only increase your stress because you eat when you are stressed, or
  • Commit to doing a 10-Day Detox to change your thinking and lose the cause of your stress—those harmful girly thoughts!

Make this next year about losing your girly thoughts—and watch those pounds melt away.

Now say: “Yes, I can.”

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Toxic Girly Thoughts in the Boudoir: Not a Turn-On

Have you ever read anything on Facebook that caused you to tear up? Yesterday I had that experience when reading “Husband’s Heartwarming Response to Retouched Boudoir Photos of His Wife.”

In her article, Barbara Diamond perfectly captures how our toxic girly thoughts have us doing to ourselves what society does to us:

  • focusing on our physical flaws and
  • feeling less than when we do not see ourselves as measuring up.

Listening to these girly thoughts causes pain and anxiety—not only in us but also in those we love.

Erasing a Life

Diamond describes how a curvy woman, a size 18 in her midforties, decided to invest in boudoir photos that would spice up her love life with her husband. But following her toxic girly thoughts, she wanted them heavily photoshopped. The photographer, Victoria Caroline Haltom, complied by removing her client’s stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles, and fat, only later realizing what she had done.

The photos were lovely. What was unexpected was the hurt and confused feelings of her client’s husband, who wrote:

When you took away her stretch marks, you took away the documentation of my children. When you took away her wrinkles, you took away over two decades of our laughter, and our worries. When you took away her cellulite, you took away her love of baking and all the goodies we have eaten over the years.

How NOT To Act on Your Toxic Girly Thoughts
When you look in the mirror and see only what you wish wasn’t there, remind yourself, as this husband did, why you have a particular imperfection. Instead of focusing on “negative” attributes, ask yourself:

  • Does your grandmother’s distinctive nose link you to your rich family history?
  • Is your extra skin a result of finally going on that diet to be healthy?
  • Is your grey hair evidence of a long life?
  • Do your luscious breasts bring back memories of breastfeeding your children?

Now rejoice in those memories. These imperfections are what make you uniquely you and not some cookie cutout. And tell those toxic girly thoughts you don’t have time to indulge them, and live your life.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power