toxic self-talk Archives - The Powerful Woman

#JoshDuggar and YOUR Girly Thoughts

@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com
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Recently I literally fell asleep tweeting. I woke up after six hours and began tweeting again. This is not me.

Why did this happen? I was pumped. I was tweeting about Josh Duggar and his sisters. I tweeted my outrage and my concern for the increasing number of sexual abuse survivors who are screaming their pain on Twitter.

What’s the connection between Josh Duggar and the obnoxious name I’ve given to the toxic, inner self-talk that plagues us and misdirects our energy—girly thoughts?

Girly Thoughts Begin At Home

Families communicate in many ways from favorite stories that are told and re-told, to what is said—or not said—when abuse occurs. But actions speak even louder than words when parents respond, or don’t, to hurtful events within the family; when consequences don’t match the severity of the violation; when a girl’s attempt to disclose abuse is met with disbelief or accusations of lying.

In these ways families strongly influence not only teaching what is right, and what is wrong, but also how girls learn to feel about themselves. What girls should:

blame themselves for,
take responsibility for,
expect from others.

And what girls should accept in life from:

being second best,
feeling “less than,” to
in many families, not being as valued as the males —

This we learn early in our own families based on how we are treated when we are hurt.

Sexual Abuse and Incest

Family messages influence what we feel we deserve in life and this is part of the tragedy of incest (sexual abuse within the family). If incest is unaddressed, children are taught that they indeed are less worthy—less deserving of protection, understanding, and love than the abusing relative, neighbor, teacher, clergy, or coach.

Is it any wonder that women conclude we are indeed:

less important than men,
have to do more to earn love, and
have to be perfect to be desirable?

These are all girly thoughts.

Voice Your Concern

Begin by identifying how your own girly thoughts are limiting you. Then consider how women are blamed in situations that a man would not be, such as being seen as responsible for the abuse she endured. Watch for these stories on twitter and in other media. Express your concern.

Join with me:

Follow me on Twitter: #drogorman
Friend me on Facebook, and
Subscribe to my free blog on my website, www.patriciaogorman.com
Share your feelings about how women are being treated
Share how your girly thoughts affect you!

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Embrace Your Inner Business Woman and Chuck Your Girly Thoughts!

@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com
facebook page

I’m returning to the scene of the crime (the city I grew up in), New York City, to speak to fellow psychologists, and I’m inviting you to join me!

Why? Because as women we all have girly thoughts, and together we can learn to identify them as well as strategize ways to eliminate them.

I promise this will be a fun-filled presentation: “Leading From Within—Breaking Free of Girly Thoughts and Embracing Your Inner Business Woman” is based on my ninth book, my third for women: The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan.

Giving It a Name: Girly Thoughts

Having a name for and strategies to eliminate the devastating process by which women internalize negative messages in society about how we should look and act is so important if we are to stop fighting ourselves and be successful.

When we listen to this bombardment of negativity, we form a toxic self-talk. Turning against ourselves is a destructive, time-consuming, and exhausting inner process that hampers so many of us professionally, from psychologists to executives to single, working moms.

Girly Thoughts: An Intergenerational Legacy

Recently, I was encouraging a college student to apply for a position even though she didn’t quite meet all the requirements. She resisted.

Curious. But not new.

Some of you will remember your mothers or grandmothers speaking about separate ads for men’s and women’s jobs, with the more interesting positions being reserved for men.

Research shows that men will apply for a position when they have as little as 60 percent of the listed requirements. But some of you may have a personal experience of not applying for a position unless you met all the qualifications.

I believe our reluctance to be assertive professionally is a legacy born from being raised to be the “good girl” who tries not to appear aggressive and thus “unfeminine.”

Does this hamper your inner businesswoman? Yes.

What to do? Join Me!

5.17.15: Noon to 4:00 p.m., AperiTivo, 780 Third Ave, New York, NY

Sponsored by the New York State’s Psychological Association, Division of Women’s Issues

Online registration is available until 5.15.15: http://www.nyspa.org/event/DOWI_05-17-15

Breaking Free Can Be Fun

Learning to identify your girly thoughts and break free from them can be a hilarious and empowering journey. Follow me through my gradual re-definition of what it means to be a psychologist, through publishing nine books with four publishers, speaking at professional and corporate meetings, and becoming a student of social media, all spurred by fighting my own girly thoughts, which taught me the art of self-promotion.

Together, we’ll explore how your girly thoughts:

make you feel self-conscious and tell you not to leave the house because of how your hair looks.
keep you stressed and eating, because so what? You’re already overweight.
Tell you that self-promotion is not professional, and certainly not nice!
Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus.

My Next Stops:

Worcester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction.”

Going Rogue—No Girly Thoughts

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD
@drogorman
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www.patriciaogorman.com

“This is who I am and look at me not being perfect! I’m proud of that.”
—Kate Winslet

Girly thoughts are the way you internalize society’s messages about how you should look and should feel. They affect you on many levels, from the way you speak and write about yourself on Facebook and in emails and texts, to what you see when you look at yourself in the mirror.

Girly Thoughts’ Silent Impact

We can talk and talk about these negative messages and the toxic self-talk they foster, but sometimes words get in the way. Your girly thoughts are painful, and so are the ways you unconsciously try to change your body and your life to accommodate that toxic self talk.

Take 2 minutes and 25 seconds to watch this video of trainer and media sensation Cassey Ho illustrating how she tries to make her body and face perfect in response to negative comments about being fat.

What Would YOU Change?

Now have some fun. Write down three girly thoughts that came to mind as you watched this video, and then ask yourself if you:

feel you are fat? If so, where? How would you change this?
think your breasts are too small? Too large?
worry your bottom is too big or too small?
Do you feel your eyes aren’t perfect? If so why? How would you change them?

Now imagine if you could change all those things you don’t like about your appearance. When you think about the changed you, how does this make you feel? Do you feel sad like Cassey does?

Self-Acceptance—Go Rogue

What to do? How about accepting who you are?

Exercise your body and eat healthily, and enjoy your body’s unique curves.
Tell that girly thought that says your eyes are too small to take a hike.
Enjoy the shape and size of your breasts.

Yes in this media age, self-acceptance is the ultimate rogue act—it says you don’t care about what they think! And you can have fun with sticking it to them and not playing along by feeling inadequate about yourself all the time.

New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.”
Worcester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction.”
Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus.

Coming to Grand Island with NO Girly Thoughts

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD
@drogorman
facebook
www.patriciaogorman.com

Have you ever gotten something really wrong? Have you ever based your conclusions on little fact and many feelings, and as a result you painted a truly erroneous picture for yourself of what you were dealing with?

I know I have, and recently.

My latest error didn’t begin with misunderstanding a Facebook post, or by reading too much into a quizzical look from a neighbor. No, it began with an invitation to speak to a group on the subjects of trauma and addiction, and to do an evening presentation for women on girly thoughts.

How did I feel? This invitation made me happy! So far so good—but I had never heard of the location: Grand Island, Nebraska . . . and this is where I made a mistake. I did what many of us do: I filled in my lack of information with my fantasies.

Using Fantasies Instead of Reality

And such fun fantasies I had. The “island” in the name conjured images for me of the Caribbean, or Nantucket, beautiful islands in the sea. But I knew there was no sea in the middle of our country (at least I got that right). I thought maybe there is a lake with a small island in it. Yes, in this small town, there is a lake with a little island in it. I thought, How sweet. I pictured the people of this prairie community as so optimistic for wanting an island, for naming their town not just any ole’ island name, but Grand Island.

I was so wrong. Not only is Grand Island not a quaint small town, but it is a major metropolitan area— in fact, it’s the third-largest city in the state! And it is on an island in a very large river!

But my whole inner process began my process of thinking about how easy it is to jump to conclusions about so many things, from geography to our girly thoughts.

Girly Thoughts = Major Wrong Assumptions

Years ago, I heard the expression, When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me; making assumptions is easy to do, yet so harmful. So don’t do this with your girly thoughts. Instead:

call them out for what they are—a toxic self-talk.
jot down which girly thoughts keep coming to mind so you can figure out how to target these girly thoughts in particular.
help your friends identify their girly thoughts.

Coming to Grand Island to Speak About Girly Thoughts, and Trauma + Addiction

Yes, I’ll be in Grand Island on April 30, and hope you can join me. For more information, visit my website: www.patriciaogorman.com.

Next stops:

Grand Island, NE: April 30, I’ll be giving a workshop on “Trauma” from 8:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and a speech over dinner titled “Girly Thoughts” from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.
New York City, NY: May 17, 1:30 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. “The Big Apple: Leadership and Girly Thoughts.”
Worchester, MA: June 11, 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. “Girly Thoughts and Addiction”
Lake Placid, NY: July 11, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Book signing at Bookstore Plus

55 Days Without Water, and Still No Girly Thoughts

Patricia O’Gorman, PhD
@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com

I am sitting in the living room of a friend who is playing the piano, looking out on the snowy April landscape. She is relaxed; her home is immaculate, which wouldn’t be a cause for surprise except for the fact that she is on day 55 without water. Yes, without water.

In this mountainous region where I have recently moved, we have had a very severe winter. In past years, a terrible winter may have been described by how many feet of snow we had, how low the temperatures were and for how long; how many actual blizzards were endured. This year, a new dimension was added to the descriptors of how severe the winter is—how many homes were without water. So far, 90 homes in a town of only 5,300 people.

For those of us raised on the need to wash our hair daily, use a towel only once, and go through several daily clothing changes, this would seem like torture.
Rethinking How You Live

How has my friend survived this? She has rethought how she needs to live, and she’s adapted, much as I have been suggesting you do with your girly thoughts, that toxic self-talk that deprives you of energy, focus, and self-worth.

Instead of being ruled by societal standards of how things should be, of how she should be, she has redefined all sorts of social standards, everything from asking friends to use the restroom before they come to her home to wearing clothes more than once, from making weekly trips to the laundromat (a necessity as she cannot use her washer) to taking sponge baths made from heated bottled water instead of the luxurious daily shower she previously enjoyed.
Try an Adventure: No girly thoughts

How is she faring? She feels free, cut loose from constraints she wasn’t even aware she was laboring under. She’s having an adventure. She is having fun!

And she has stopped worrying about her girly thoughts, like:

needing the right paper products for everyday use since she can’t wash dishes—instead, she has a dinner party and enjoys the company of friends.
worrying if she looks “fat” in her jeans—instead, she’s happy just to have clean clothes.
keeping her husband happy and stress free—instead, she realizes he’s in this with her.

And she has found gifts in some unlikely places:

many friends have offered their homes to her for bathing and laundry.
the generosity of the heating company that brings daily water to feed her furnace and leaves some extra water to use to flush her toilets.
her own skill in narrowing down where the frozen pipes might be.

If living without running water can do that for her, imagine what stopping your daily self-sabotage with your girly thoughts can do for you!

Try this for one day, and let me know how this goes for you.
You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

The Crying Game: Where Your Anger, Not Your Girly Thoughts, Can Be Your Friend

There is something you have that the world needs . . .

So often we feel it is not good to be angry—particularly at work, where we’ll be seen and judged. We fear our anger is unbecoming, and that if we let ourselves get angry, we won’t be liked, that we’ll be labeled the dreaded B-word. Instead, we tell ourselves we should be pleasing, approachable, not threatening, and accommodating to all of the nonsense.

To make sure you are acting the way you should, you watch the reaction of others to gauge if what you’re doing is acceptable (and God forbid you aren’t acceptable). You adjust your voice, maybe making it sound less threatening and younger; you watch your posture and the way you walk.

In short, at work and in other parts of your life, you put those hard-to-put-a-finger-on society forces that I’ve dubbed girly Thoughts in charge of your career—a terrible idea that I discuss in The Girly Thoughts 10 Day Detox Plan.

Don’t Get Angry and Cry; Instead, Get Smart

When you are afraid of being angry, a terrible inner tension is created, and you become frustrated. As a result, especially in important meetings when you feel your anger beginning, you also feel your tears welling.

But instead of trying to figure out if you should cry at work or not, perhaps the better question is: Why is crying the first feeling up when you are angry? It is fear of crying that many women cite as a reason not to speak up, because crying at work would make them be seen as weak, as lacking leadership qualities, as undependable.

Not only does crying at work feel risky, but it has an awful side benefit, too: crying keeps you in the role of needing to be rescued, yes, even at work, while your anger, well, that will have others look at you as a B…—and your girly thoughts do say that is even worst.

So what to do? Be smart:

Realize your girly thoughts are keeping you silent at work. Identify this is what is going on. Name this toxic inner dialogue.
Act on that New Year’s Resolution to give yourself a voice at work.
Rehearse those scenarios that make you want to cry and see how you can frame your points so you are clear, even powerful. Yes, that will mean telling those girly thoughts to get lost, but you can replace them with a focus on your strengths, on your resilience, even, that can support you in public situations at work.
Run these ideas by a friend, but not necessarily one you work with; more about this in a later blog.
Get support from an outside mentor who can help you navigate the pitfalls specific to your job.
Remember, the world needs you to make that contribution, and to do so you need to let the world know what your contribution is.

Remember:

Practice makes perfect, and at work you are likely to get a great deal of practice in identifying those girly thoughts that bring on your tears.

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Let me know how you deal with wanting to cry at work.