Patricia, Author at The Powerful Woman | Women & Resilience

Blaming Lady Gaga for Being Raped?

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

www.patriciaogorman.com

Lady Gaga made news yet again, this time by publicly sharing during the Oscars that she was raped at age 19. Yes, she set off shock waves around the world, not just because she shared something so intimate, but because she challenged each of us to consider how we talk about rape in our own lives.

One of the heartbreaks about being a woman is that it feels like we are blamed by society for everything that happens to us, and sexual assault is no different.

But if you wouldn’t blame Lady Gaga for being raped, why would you blame yourself, or your friends?

Why Do You Blame Women . . . and Maybe Even Yourself?

When you find yourself more responsible than the other person for virtually everything that happens to you, including rape and sexual assault, you are tapping into a conditioned response. Internalization of the continuous media messages as well as all of our family messages leads to the creation of our own negative self-talk, which I’ve named toxic girly thoughts.

Why have a name for this? So we can first identify when we are blaming ourselves for all the woes that come our way and then stop thinking this way!

What You Can Do

This tendency to “blame the victim” needs to be addressed on so many levels. This is why I was thrilled to read Jes Skolnik’s blog on Medium.com: “some guidelines for music/entertainment writers writing about sexual assault [sic].”

Her clear guidelines for those in the entertainment industry also bears consideration for writers and bloggers everywhere, and they have relevance for all of us in how we discuss rape and sexual assault. Here’s a summary:

Be careful with your language. If there is alleged violence, do not refer to it using the same terminology as consensual sex. This reinforces the pervasive social myth that sexual violence is “sex gone wrong” rather than specific and contextualized violence. . . .

Be clear about your own biases. . . .

FACT CHECK EVERYTHING. . . .

Do not write a story without even attempting to contact the person on the other side of the allegations. . . .

Do not ever, ever pressure someone to tell their sexual assault story to you. If they don’t want to talk, let them go. . . .

Be careful about reporting allegations (from either side) as indisputable fact. . . .

One way to stop the perpetuation of toxic girly thoughts is for us to stop doing to ourselves—and to other woman—what society does to us.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

A Valentine’s Day Detox

He loves me, he loves me not?

The bigger question is: Why do I care so much?

Well, the BIG Day—Valentine’s Day—has come and gone. This day of tension, caused by the painful and anxious feelings produced by your girly thoughts telling you that your lovability is demonstrated by what your partner does or doesn’t do, is over for this year. A question to ask yourself—because you have total control over this one—is:

Do you want to go through all this drama again next year?

If your answer is no, then this is a time of opportunity. Now, in the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, is your opportunity to learn about yourself, your needs, your wants, and how to take care of yourself. You know that Valentine’s Day was not a referendum on your:

worthiness
desirability
beauty

Do we need to add to this—thank God?

So . . . How Did You Do?

How would you describe your Valentine’s Day? Was it a painful day because you listened to those society-prescribed girly thoughts that resulted in you:

feeling defeated because you didn’t feel you had control?
feeling anxious?
holding your breath waiting for a text, email, call, gift?
feeling a tinge of your self-worth hanging in the balance?

Or instead, were you able to kick those girly thoughts aside and:

think self-loving thoughts?

appreciate your beauty?
smile instead of frown when you looked at your face?
make this day special for yourself?
laugh at all the hype?

And if you didn’t receive what you wanted, did you think, “It’s your loss, buddy”?

What Is Valentine’s Day, Anyway?

Valentine’s Day presents an opportunity to build resilience—that well of strength, of resources, of strategies that work within you—that helps you get through difficult times.

Looked at this way, Valentine’s Day can be a win/win. By providing a window into your relationship with your partner and into your relationship with yourself, the day:

provides an opportunity to see if you have picked someone who can take care of your needs and your wants.
gives you an chance to see how well you have done in communicating these same needs and wants to the one who loves you.
teaches you about yourself and about building more resilience from the pressure and stress generated by this one day.

Please share your insights into Valentine’s Day with me by sending your comments through my website: www.patriciaogorman.com.

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my book The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

A version of this post originally appeared on 2.20.15.

Picture courtesy of Pextels.com!

Letting Your Man Define You on Valentine’s Day—Why?

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

Wanting to be liked is important to all of us, and yes, we’re feeling the pressure on Valentine’s Day.

But for you, and for many other women, this desire can move from wanting to be liked to desperately needing to be liked once a man enters the picture. For this, you pay a huge price—you give up your power to figure out what is best for you!

Your Toxic Girly Thoughts In Action

When the way we are supposed to act and, very importantly, how we are supposed to look become decisions we allow someone else makes for us, we give up our personal power. We do this because of the negative self-talk we invite to reside in our heads, and I call these ideas toxic girly thoughts.

Read this post from Brittaney about how she allowed her boyfriend to govern:

the length of her hair
the color of her hair
her makeup
her clothes
her weight
even her tattoos

http://www.upmoments.com/her-boyfriend-makes-fun-of-her-appearance

Stop Listening

Brittaney stopped listening to her toxic girly thoughts—but how?

The answer is to tune into your Resilient Voice, the part of you that knows what is right for you, the part of you that your toxic girly thoughts try to drown out.

This Valentine’s Day, try this:

If your boyfriend wants you to have short hair when you like your hair better long, choose what you like and makes you feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror.
When he wants you to have blonde hair and you like it auburn, wear your hair the color you think best expresses who you are.

And if you think he’s the makeup artist you’ve been waiting for, or the medical personnel you’ve needed to guide you in health care decisions, or the dress designer who knows better than you what looks best on you … well …

Think again, and maybe, consider a new boyfriend. Now that could make for a good Valentine’s Day.

Now say: I know what is best for me.

Because you really do!
??Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

His Affair—Your Fault?

She couldn’t satisfy her husband.

-Trump speaking about Hillary

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

A presidential hopeful challenges his possible rival about her sexual desirability and blames her for her husband’s affairs.

Is this message of a woman’s responsibility for something familiar to you? Do you stifle your infuriation because this sounds right?

Where’s your outrage?

Why You Don’t Feel Angry

You are marketed ongoing messages about your desirability. These messages suggests you should be measured by how you act and look . . . and you internalize these messages and then use to judge yourself and other women.

I’ve named this toxic internalization girly thoughts. Why name this internal trash talk so common to women? Because once you can name something, you have control over it.

Having a name means you can easily identify when you are doing something and can then stop yourself from listening, and acting upon, your toxic girly thoughts.

But this isn’t a free ride. There are consequences for not believing your toxic girly thoughts. You could be seen as brash, even unlikeable if you don’t “play the game,” or thought of as “yelling” when you clearly state your point of view, particularly when you disagree with the others around you.

Stop Listening to Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

Are you up for a challenge?

This can be a fun exercise, especially in this year of presidential campaigning.

Identify the toxic girly thoughts that campaigners are using to put women in general and women candidates in their place.
Share what you are hearing with your friends, family, and co-workers.
Call candidates out on statements that reinforce toxic girly thoughts, those messages that are negative and harmful to women.

No, you don’t have to write a letter, but it’s an option. You can use:

Twitter
Facebook
Other social media platforms

Yes, you’ll get blowback, you may even be trolled on Twitter, but so what? That’s a sure sign your comments are reaching others and they are hearing you say NO to toxic girly thoughts.

And please link me to any of your comments. We can follow each other on Twitter. I will retweet your outrage and share your thoughts on Facebook.

Now repeat after me: Yes, I will!

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

When Life Knocks You Down, Use Your Personal Power to Overcome Toxic Girly Thoughts

Have you ever met someone and thought, “Wow, here’s someone without girly thoughts!”?

That’s not unusual for me. When I meet a woman for the first time, I quickly assess to see if she is measures herself against societal standards and the self-defeating thoughts I’ve named girly thoughts. I always silently applaud when I encounter someone who doesn’t. Alese is one such woman.

I recently met Alese at my gym. This small, thin young woman was pressing what looked to be more than her body weight, and I was in awe.

As we talked, I learned that Alese was able to get out from under her toxic girly thoughts (all those societal shoulds that have us doubting ourselves) by taking charge of her life. Alese is now a gym owner, personal trainer, and competitive power lifter who suffered from a severe eating disorder, misdiagnosed celiac disease, and bullying in school.

This battle resulted in my need to gain 50+ lbs and get strong while mentally battling the demons of my eating disorder that wanted to keep me at a too-low body weight. The bottom picture, on the left was me at 76 lbs. Picture on the right is me now at 128 lbs deadlifting 285-lb. at a recent powerlifting meet!

Strong Is the New Beautiful

Did I mention that Alese is also beautiful—and personable? We spoke about her considerable athletic skills and the drive it took to develop them.

Even though the experience I lived through with my own toxic girly thoughts was terrible, it led me to come full circle, and it birthed my love of powerlifting and also my career as a personal trainer. My struggle ended up being a blessing in the end.

Alese is a wonderful example of a woman who overcame her girly thoughts—the ones that whispered, “No, you can’t” and kept her buried in negativity—and embraced her resilience to achieve her goals. “Now it’s time for me to help others currently struggling with the same issues that once held me down,” she told me, and I’m excited to introduce you to her. Learn more at about Alese and her mission at www.socksandsquats.com, and follow her on Instagram @socksandsquats.

Have you met someone who embodies the idea of personal resilience, someone who overcame her self-defeating and toxic girly thoughts to embrace her personal power? Maybe that someone is you? I invite you to share your story in the comments, or email me at girlythoughtsdetox@gmail.com.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Challenge Toxic Girly Thoughts About Women’s Health—One Conversation At A Time

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
—Gloria Steinman

Are you aware that most drug studies are conducted on men? This has been true for testing even “routine” medications that are taken by both women and men. The reason always given is that women are more complicated because of … wait for it … their hormones. This makes women’s reaction to any medication more variable than men’s. So rather than invest in a more complex study design, companies have routinely taken the cheap way out and just studied men.

Pharmaceutical companies have gotten away with this, even though women are 51 percent of the population. Why, because women as a group haven’t commanded and demanded the attention every one of us deserves.

Women Go Along to Get Along

You’re tired from working during the day and coming home to your second shift. You struggle to make ends meet with lower pay than men. You feel pressured to magically stay young, beautiful, and appealing to your intimate partner forever. So it’s no wonder you aren’t ready to enter into another fight.

An unfortunate effect of internalizing society’s messages about being the good girl into your personal toxic soup of girly thoughts is this complacency, this belief that it’s better to go along to get along. Yet not speaking up has led to some ridiculous outcomes, including acceptance of nonsensical protocols for drug studies.

Why Are Men Used to Test for Drug Interaction for Addyi?

The drug interaction study for the new libido-enhancing drug just for women, Addyi, was tested in clinical studies on 23 men and only 2 women.

Really?

An article titled “Sexism In the Doctor’s Office Starts Here” discusses the common practice of testing pharmaceuticals on a significantly larger percentage of men than women. And this is nothing new: “Women have been excluded or underrepresented in medical and scientific research for as long as those fields have been studied.”

The statistics you’ll read in this article are staggering.

It’s time for women to stop accepting this sexist practice.

Ask Questions—Don’t Listen to Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

You don’t have to be the “good girl” and just accept a drug company’s word that a medication is safe for you. Instead:

When your doctor prescribes a medication, ask:

Has this drug been tested on women?
What are the specific side effects for women?
If you have an investment portfolio (individually or
through a group), ask the investment advisor:
Are drug companies included, and if they are, are women included in their clinical trials and in what percentage?

Imagine 51 percent of the population—women—asking these simple questions. Yes, change can happen if we all begin to challenge our toxic girly thoughts one conversation at a time.

Toxic Girly Thoughts in the Boudoir: Not a Turn-On

Have you ever read anything on Facebook that caused you to tear up? Yesterday I had that experience when reading “Husband’s Heartwarming Response to Retouched Boudoir Photos of His Wife.”

In her article, Barbara Diamond perfectly captures how our toxic girly thoughts have us doing to ourselves what society does to us:

focusing on our physical flaws and
feeling less than when we do not see ourselves as measuring up.

Listening to these girly thoughts causes pain and anxiety—not only in us but also in those we love.

Erasing a Life

Diamond describes how a curvy woman, a size 18 in her midforties, decided to invest in boudoir photos that would spice up her love life with her husband. But following her toxic girly thoughts, she wanted them heavily photoshopped. The photographer, Victoria Caroline Haltom, complied by removing her client’s stretch marks, cellulite, wrinkles, and fat, only later realizing what she had done.

The photos were lovely. What was unexpected was the hurt and confused feelings of her client’s husband, who wrote:

When you took away her stretch marks, you took away the documentation of my children. When you took away her wrinkles, you took away over two decades of our laughter, and our worries. When you took away her cellulite, you took away her love of baking and all the goodies we have eaten over the years.

How NOT To Act on Your Toxic Girly Thoughts
When you look in the mirror and see only what you wish wasn’t there, remind yourself, as this husband did, why you have a particular imperfection. Instead of focusing on “negative” attributes, ask yourself:

Does your grandmother’s distinctive nose link you to your rich family history?
Is your extra skin a result of finally going on that diet to be healthy?
Is your grey hair evidence of a long life?
Do your luscious breasts bring back memories of breastfeeding your children?

Now rejoice in those memories. These imperfections are what make you uniquely you and not some cookie cutout. And tell those toxic girly thoughts you don’t have time to indulge them, and live your life.

Back to School—Your Daughter, Drugs, and Girly Thoughts

Photo credit: Illumina Singapore Dinner And Dance 2014 – Marriott Hotel-051
Yes, it is back-to-school time. You and your daughter have worked to get her ready. She has pushed you to buy her the latest fashions so she will fit it; you’ve bought her school supplies and paid for her haircut. Maybe you treated her to getting her nails done … but there is a more concerning part of her fitting in that you need to also take care of.

Last week I received emergency requests from two different acquaintances for the same reason—the issue: their daughters’ drug use.

The first parent was “freaked out” about drug paraphernalia found in her high school daughter’s room. “But she’s a straight-A student, an athlete …” she told me, and she is confused about her daughter’s choice.

The second parent shared that her twenty-something daughter had moved on from the “safety” of marijuana to using heroin, having legal problems, and is now desperately in need of help.

These parents are devoted to their daughters and are now very worried about them.

Many Reasons for Drug Abuse

According to many recent reports, there are many reasons for the increase in drug abuse among girls and women:

the perception that their friends are using and they should as well;
a need to sooth their developing, toxic girly thoughts—the way they learn to criticize themselves for not achieving societal standards of beauty and behavior;
glamorization in media of drug use as a way to increase sexual desirability;
widespread availability;
difficulty in getting help with not enough treatment options;
the lack of understanding by most insurance companies that kids are dying of overdoses and that outpatient services just don’t help many kids.

Drug Use in Real Time

In 2013, 16.0 percent of girls age twelve and older reported binge drinking in the past month, according to NIDA.

Yes, girls age twelve and older. This is not just an adult problem. And it is just one of numerous and disturbing statistics about the increasing numbers of substance-abuse issues among young women.

The parents who called me have every reason to be concerned. Below is a graphic (courtesy of Clarity Way) showing the rates of first-time substance use for alcohol and illicit and prescription drugs on an average day.

http://www.clarityway.com/infographic/a-day-of-drug-use/

What To Do?

If you are worried about a loved one, call for help like my acquaintances did. Several suggestions include:

Al-Anon
Local alcohol and drug treatment agencies
Trained mental health professional
Family physician or pastor
A friend in recovery

Help and support are there for you. Don’t think you’re alone because you are not.

When Hip Hop, Misogyny, and Girly Thoughts Are Straight Outta Compton

@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com
facebook

To be a woman who loves hip hop at times is to be in love with your abuser.

—Ava DuVernay

I’m a woman who loves hip hop. I’m pulled in by the energy, the irreverence of some of the lyrics, the sense of being so alive in its beat. And yet, as a woman, I also cringe at some of its messages.

Hip hop is full of misogyny, words that spew anger at women, that marginalize women, that view women more as objects than as humans. But in these ways it is actually much like the rest of our society, only clearer, and with a great beat that makes you want to dance even as you are hurt by what it says.

The Double Bind for Women

This is the societal double bind for women. We love men who hurt us, and we excuse them. Why? Well, we tell ourselves, because they are men, and that’s how they are. We go forward even if our self-esteem is in tatters.

Ask yourself:

How often have you loved someone who hurt you and then excused this because this is just the way men are?
How many times have you forgiven him?
How many times have you forgiven the next him after that?

Are women victims? No, but we are just finding our voice and learning to speak up and challenge the internalized, societally informed notion of women that I have named girly thoughts that say be quiet; good girls don’t make waves, they understand, they love, they forgive.

Speaking Up

This is why I applaud writer Allison Davis, who wrote an essay on The Cut and was interviewed on NPR about the N.W.A biopic Straight Outta of Compton. I urge you to listen to that interview, where she gives voice to her feelings as a woman while also praising the critically important contributions of the film Straight Outta of Compton.

http://www.npr.org/2015/08/18/432620039/a-meme-gets-an-uncomfortable-backstory-in-straight-outta-compton

Where You Draw the Line

After hearing Allison Davis, I’m encouraging all of us to say:

Just because what you are saying is important—even revolutionary—doesn’t mean you get a free pass to continue to oppress me.

Would this have made for a more complicated script for the film? Yes. But so what? If this film’s creative group couldn’t get it right, maybe the next one will.

View Without Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

Will I see Straight Outta Compton? Yes, but I won’t be sitting there with my girly thoughts excusing how women are exploited. And I suggest you don’t either.

Maybe if we can start speaking up about what’s in our entertainment, we will feel more comfortable in speaking up in our lives, and maybe we’ll stop listening to our toxic girly thoughts!

Has Trump Done Women a Favor?

@drogorman
www.patriciaogorman.com
facebook

Even though we are 53 percent of the voting public, women do not always see things the same way. But no matter how different our views might be, one thing we do share is being a woman. This means we share similar health worries, have faced similar challenges in our personal lives, and have dealt with similar unfairness in our professional lives.

This is why Donald Trump might be doing us a favor.

By threatening one of us for not being nice at work, by dismissing our opinions because of our hormones, and by mocking us for our looks, Trump is helping us see what we all have in common. And these are things we have all experienced at work and even at home.

Why? Because as women, you and I deal with sexism on a daily basis. That sexism is usually subtler, but sometimes not. For example, yesterday I posted an article about Megyn Kelly on Facebook and received the comment “Fuck that bitch” in return. This is not a usual response to my posts on Facebook.

I wondered if the commenter was referring to the article or to me, or both?

Not Listening to Our Girly Thoughts

We have all been on the receiving end of this type of anger when we’ve stepped out of our assigned roles. What was interesting to me is that this man felt comfortable posting something like this. He felt this was his right as a man to threaten her and me. But why?

I wasn’t listening to my well-conditioned, toxic girly thought that said I had to be nice, even on Facebook. I posted an article that said Megyn Kelly did a good job, and women were angry at being criticized—again—for voicing their opinions, for doing their jobs as well as men.

What Can YOU Do?

Take heart that you are not alone
Get involved politically
Express how you feel
Make your needs as a woman known to those running for office.

This may just be a moment when we are all facing the same way, but let’s use it to express what we need: equal pay, child care, freedom from government interference in our health decisions …

Yes, you can make a difference if you don’t listen to those pesky girly thoughts.