The Powerful Woman | Women & Resilience - Page 4 of 14 - Dr. Patricia O'Gorman, Ph.D

Blaming Lady Gaga for Being Raped?

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

www.patriciaogorman.com

Lady Gaga made news yet again, this time by publicly sharing during the Oscars that she was raped at age 19. Yes, she set off shock waves around the world, not just because she shared something so intimate, but because she challenged each of us to consider how we talk about rape in our own lives.

One of the heartbreaks about being a woman is that it feels like we are blamed by society for everything that happens to us, and sexual assault is no different.

But if you wouldn’t blame Lady Gaga for being raped, why would you blame yourself, or your friends?

Why Do You Blame Women . . . and Maybe Even Yourself?

When you find yourself more responsible than the other person for virtually everything that happens to you, including rape and sexual assault, you are tapping into a conditioned response. Internalization of the continuous media messages as well as all of our family messages leads to the creation of our own negative self-talk, which I’ve named toxic girly thoughts.

Why have a name for this? So we can first identify when we are blaming ourselves for all the woes that come our way and then stop thinking this way!

What You Can Do

This tendency to “blame the victim” needs to be addressed on so many levels. This is why I was thrilled to read Jes Skolnik’s blog on Medium.com: “some guidelines for music/entertainment writers writing about sexual assault [sic].”

Her clear guidelines for those in the entertainment industry also bears consideration for writers and bloggers everywhere, and they have relevance for all of us in how we discuss rape and sexual assault. Here’s a summary:

Be careful with your language. If there is alleged violence, do not refer to it using the same terminology as consensual sex. This reinforces the pervasive social myth that sexual violence is “sex gone wrong” rather than specific and contextualized violence. . . .

Be clear about your own biases. . . .

FACT CHECK EVERYTHING. . . .

Do not write a story without even attempting to contact the person on the other side of the allegations. . . .

Do not ever, ever pressure someone to tell their sexual assault story to you. If they don’t want to talk, let them go. . . .

Be careful about reporting allegations (from either side) as indisputable fact. . . .

One way to stop the perpetuation of toxic girly thoughts is for us to stop doing to ourselves—and to other woman—what society does to us.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

A Valentine’s Day Detox

He loves me, he loves me not?

The bigger question is: Why do I care so much?

Well, the BIG Day—Valentine’s Day—has come and gone. This day of tension, caused by the painful and anxious feelings produced by your girly thoughts telling you that your lovability is demonstrated by what your partner does or doesn’t do, is over for this year. A question to ask yourself—because you have total control over this one—is:

Do you want to go through all this drama again next year?

If your answer is no, then this is a time of opportunity. Now, in the aftermath of Valentine’s Day, is your opportunity to learn about yourself, your needs, your wants, and how to take care of yourself. You know that Valentine’s Day was not a referendum on your:

worthiness
desirability
beauty

Do we need to add to this—thank God?

So . . . How Did You Do?

How would you describe your Valentine’s Day? Was it a painful day because you listened to those society-prescribed girly thoughts that resulted in you:

feeling defeated because you didn’t feel you had control?
feeling anxious?
holding your breath waiting for a text, email, call, gift?
feeling a tinge of your self-worth hanging in the balance?

Or instead, were you able to kick those girly thoughts aside and:

think self-loving thoughts?

appreciate your beauty?
smile instead of frown when you looked at your face?
make this day special for yourself?
laugh at all the hype?

And if you didn’t receive what you wanted, did you think, “It’s your loss, buddy”?

What Is Valentine’s Day, Anyway?

Valentine’s Day presents an opportunity to build resilience—that well of strength, of resources, of strategies that work within you—that helps you get through difficult times.

Looked at this way, Valentine’s Day can be a win/win. By providing a window into your relationship with your partner and into your relationship with yourself, the day:

provides an opportunity to see if you have picked someone who can take care of your needs and your wants.
gives you an chance to see how well you have done in communicating these same needs and wants to the one who loves you.
teaches you about yourself and about building more resilience from the pressure and stress generated by this one day.

Please share your insights into Valentine’s Day with me by sending your comments through my website: www.patriciaogorman.com.

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my book The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

A version of this post originally appeared on 2.20.15.

Picture courtesy of Pextels.com!

Letting Your Man Define You on Valentine’s Day—Why?

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

Wanting to be liked is important to all of us, and yes, we’re feeling the pressure on Valentine’s Day.

But for you, and for many other women, this desire can move from wanting to be liked to desperately needing to be liked once a man enters the picture. For this, you pay a huge price—you give up your power to figure out what is best for you!

Your Toxic Girly Thoughts In Action

When the way we are supposed to act and, very importantly, how we are supposed to look become decisions we allow someone else makes for us, we give up our personal power. We do this because of the negative self-talk we invite to reside in our heads, and I call these ideas toxic girly thoughts.

Read this post from Brittaney about how she allowed her boyfriend to govern:

the length of her hair
the color of her hair
her makeup
her clothes
her weight
even her tattoos

http://www.upmoments.com/her-boyfriend-makes-fun-of-her-appearance

Stop Listening

Brittaney stopped listening to her toxic girly thoughts—but how?

The answer is to tune into your Resilient Voice, the part of you that knows what is right for you, the part of you that your toxic girly thoughts try to drown out.

This Valentine’s Day, try this:

If your boyfriend wants you to have short hair when you like your hair better long, choose what you like and makes you feel good about yourself when you look in the mirror.
When he wants you to have blonde hair and you like it auburn, wear your hair the color you think best expresses who you are.

And if you think he’s the makeup artist you’ve been waiting for, or the medical personnel you’ve needed to guide you in health care decisions, or the dress designer who knows better than you what looks best on you … well …

Think again, and maybe, consider a new boyfriend. Now that could make for a good Valentine’s Day.

Now say: I know what is best for me.

Because you really do!
??Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

His Affair—Your Fault?

She couldn’t satisfy her husband.

-Trump speaking about Hillary

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

A presidential hopeful challenges his possible rival about her sexual desirability and blames her for her husband’s affairs.

Is this message of a woman’s responsibility for something familiar to you? Do you stifle your infuriation because this sounds right?

Where’s your outrage?

Why You Don’t Feel Angry

You are marketed ongoing messages about your desirability. These messages suggests you should be measured by how you act and look . . . and you internalize these messages and then use to judge yourself and other women.

I’ve named this toxic internalization girly thoughts. Why name this internal trash talk so common to women? Because once you can name something, you have control over it.

Having a name means you can easily identify when you are doing something and can then stop yourself from listening, and acting upon, your toxic girly thoughts.

But this isn’t a free ride. There are consequences for not believing your toxic girly thoughts. You could be seen as brash, even unlikeable if you don’t “play the game,” or thought of as “yelling” when you clearly state your point of view, particularly when you disagree with the others around you.

Stop Listening to Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

Are you up for a challenge?

This can be a fun exercise, especially in this year of presidential campaigning.

Identify the toxic girly thoughts that campaigners are using to put women in general and women candidates in their place.
Share what you are hearing with your friends, family, and co-workers.
Call candidates out on statements that reinforce toxic girly thoughts, those messages that are negative and harmful to women.

No, you don’t have to write a letter, but it’s an option. You can use:

Twitter
Facebook
Other social media platforms

Yes, you’ll get blowback, you may even be trolled on Twitter, but so what? That’s a sure sign your comments are reaching others and they are hearing you say NO to toxic girly thoughts.

And please link me to any of your comments. We can follow each other on Twitter. I will retweet your outrage and share your thoughts on Facebook.

Now repeat after me: Yes, I will!

You’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Want to Be a Millionaire? Stop Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

Austin Geidt credits her road to sobriety with her success in developing Uber. But that’s not the whole story. Let’s understand what she is saying in terms of how this journey also helped her re-define herself as a woman.

Her road to recovery had her going back to basics, dropping out of college, and getting help for her drug addiction. But it also resulted in her graduating college at age twenty-five with a blank resume. Her lack of experience didn’t stop her.

Being Resilient, Not Discouraged

Was she discouraged? No. She was proud of her sobriety, and this hard-fought journey helped her know that she had many skills, that she was resilient. Austin began looking for a job and answered a tweet about an internship in a new start-up. She was Uber’s #4 employee, and today she’s a top executive.

Trusting Who You Truly Are—Not What Your Toxic Girly Thoughts Say

Austin began her new career by using what she’d learned in her recovery on the job and by being who she knew herself to be. As a result, she didn’t fall into the trap common to so many young women professionals: listening to the guidance of toxic girly thoughts that tell them how they should look and how they should act in order to be acceptable.

Here is what she learned and credits for her success:

Perspective. She is very proud of her work, her accomplishments, and her team, but she is most proud of herself and her recovery. She doesn’t define herself by outside standards, like toxic girly thoughts coach women to do.
Directness and Honesty. Austin doesn’t focus on being liked, a common toxic girly thought that trips women up in their personal lives and at work.

Goals. She believes that humility, rather than the “self-importance” of toxic girly thoughts, informs your “measure of success.”

Want to be inspired? Watch her video interview with Fortune Magazine:

http://fortune.com/video/2015/12/02/uber-austin-geidt-sobriety/

And read her interview in Business Insider:

http://www.businessinsider.com/ubers-austin-geidts-insane-life-2015-12

Have you met someone who embodies the idea of personal resilience, someone who overcame her self-defeating and toxic girly thoughts to embrace her personal power? Maybe that someone is you? I invite you to share your story in the comments, or email me at girlythoughtsdetox@gmail.com.

??Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my two latest books, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power and The Resilient Woman: Mastering The 7 Steps to Personal Power.

Girly Thought #1: I’m Fat = A Sure Way NOT to Lose Weight in the New Year

By Patricia O’Gorman, PhD

@drogorman

www.patriciaogorman.com

“Awareness, not deprivation, informs what you eat.” —Geneen Roth

Yes, over the holidays you ate more than you wished you had, and now you feel . . . fat.

Girly Thought #1: I’m Fat

Become aware that the multi-billion dollar diet industry has ramped up, telling you that you need to lose weight, hoping you will buy their no-effort-required books, shakes, pills, plans, magazines.

Their marketing strategy feeds your toxic girly thought’, causing you to internalize corporate images of beauty that make you feel less than, which increase your stress and your eating.

So what do you do? You sign up for the plan or shake, buy the new book, or purchase the magazine (many of which have photos of tantalizing desserts on the cover), as you collapse in exhaustion and then eat a treat because you are stressed.

To Lose Weight, Lose Those Girly Thoughts

Most women are stress eaters. So if you want to lose weight, you have two choices:

Go on a diet, which will only increase your stress because you eat when you are stressed, or
Commit to doing a 10-Day Detox to change your thinking and lose the cause of your stress—those harmful girly thoughts!

Make this next year about losing your girly thoughts—and watch those pounds melt away.

Now say: “Yes, I can.”

5 Girly Thoughts™ that Increase Your Holiday Stress

It’s the happy holiday season, and you’re already feeling the pressure. If you’re like most of us, you’re already hearing that inner voice that pushes you to do more, reminding you that it is up to you to make this a holiday season to remember while telling you that no matter what you’re doing, it is not enough.

How Your Girly Thoughts Turn Up the Holiday Pressure

I’ve named this toxic, negative self-talk your girly thoughts. Girly thoughts function as an internal gauge of perfection against which you measure yourself, and guess what? You find yourself falling short from where you feel you should be.

Here is what your girly thoughts are telling you and what you can do about them:
1. Everyone I know needs a card and a personal note from me. Let’s face it: in this day of digital communication, a handwritten note is a lovely indication of your caring. But having a self-expectation of sending a handwritten note to everyone you know when you now clearly do not send out notes regularly?

Consider writing a lovely email letter and sending this out instead.
2. I need to make home-cooked, memorable meals, and glorious desserts like the one pictured above. The belief that every meal needs to be a masterpiece gets in the way of actually enjoying the meal. If you don’t enjoy it, neither will anyone else.

Instead, tell yourself: I need to make meals I will enjoy. Consider:

Serving some ready-made foods
Saying yes when guests ask if they can bring something
Preparing simpler recipes

3. I must look fabulous. The pressure to look good is always with us; in fact, “I’m fat” is girly thought #1. Time to detox!
Change this to: I need to feel comfortable. Too tired after a day of working and an evening of cooking to wear those heels to the party? Ditch them.

4. I must attend every holiday event, concert, and party. Yes, this is the season of making merry, but that means you want to feel merry as well.

Consider setting reasonable limits on what you will and will not do. Notice the emphasis is not on what you can do but what you will do.
5. I must find the perfect gift that says I love them. Ah, the perfect gift. No pressure here.

Change this to acknowledging each recipient’s specialness, and stay tuned for a blog on gift giving.

Give Yourself a Gift for the Holidays—Detox from Your Girly Thoughts

Girly thoughts act like a conduit through which all your discomfort, all the stresses of your life, are filtered, and the holidays just magnify that discomfort.

So this holiday season, give yourself a great gift: stop listening to that negative, toxic voice that tells you what you should do and instead look for ways to reduce your stress so you can experience all the joy of the season.

Remember, you’ll find more ideas for getting rid of your negative self-talk in my latest book, The Girly Thoughts 10-Day Detox Plan: The Resilient Woman’s Guide to Saying NO to Negative Self-Talk and YES to Personal Power

Embrace Your Spirit of Gratitude, Not Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

We are really living in our minds . . . where we’re not really connected to the world around us, nor centered in our own body or being
-—Elyse Santilli

The holiday season is stressful. We often worry about things that might happen, ruminate about what happened in holidays past, and see others as judging us.

We do this through the lens we use to judge ourselves, which is often filtered through our toxic girly thoughts—how we internalize societal values of beauty and accomplishment—and we use these negative thoughts to essentially torment ourselves. Yes, our thoughts do distort our connection to our world and to ourselves.

Projecting Our Worst Fears

Ask yourself if you’ve ever worried about things like:

your cookies not being as good as the year before;
your in-laws still talking about your husband’s ex, who was so loving;
the weight you gained last holiday season, which you are still walking around with; or
how you will measure up to the other women at the holiday and family gatherings.

These are all examples of toxic girly thoughts, ideas that deprive you of feeling gratitude for what you do have by focusing you away from the present, away from your personal strengths and resilience.

Counteract Those Toxic Girly Thoughts!

Instead of focusing on your fears, try turning those negative messages around and focus on your gratitude.

Connecting with your spirit’ your essence—and not your toxic girly thoughts allows you to feel grateful. So instead of:

Worrying about how your cookies will be judged, enjoy that you still want to put in all the work to make them. Be grateful for the gift of your loving spirit that creates these gifts of love.
Remembering all the horrible things your in-laws have said about you, listen for the positive things and appreciate them for these thoughts, even if they are few. Be grateful for how they can love, even if it is more limited than you and your husband would like.
Feeling fat from last years’ holiday season, let your weight make you grateful that you are able to make different decisions about your food this holiday season. Embrace your spirit of change.
Worrying about other women at parties—just be your dazzling self. Yes, free your spirit to enjoy yourself instead of judging yourself. You’ll be, and will be seen, as much more attractive by embracing who you are.

Feeling grateful yet? Good, remember not listening to your toxic ‘girly thoughts’ is a gift you can give yourself this holiday season, and all 2016.

When Life Knocks You Down, Use Your Personal Power to Overcome Toxic Girly Thoughts

Have you ever met someone and thought, “Wow, here’s someone without girly thoughts!”?

That’s not unusual for me. When I meet a woman for the first time, I quickly assess to see if she is measures herself against societal standards and the self-defeating thoughts I’ve named girly thoughts. I always silently applaud when I encounter someone who doesn’t. Alese is one such woman.

I recently met Alese at my gym. This small, thin young woman was pressing what looked to be more than her body weight, and I was in awe.

As we talked, I learned that Alese was able to get out from under her toxic girly thoughts (all those societal shoulds that have us doubting ourselves) by taking charge of her life. Alese is now a gym owner, personal trainer, and competitive power lifter who suffered from a severe eating disorder, misdiagnosed celiac disease, and bullying in school.

This battle resulted in my need to gain 50+ lbs and get strong while mentally battling the demons of my eating disorder that wanted to keep me at a too-low body weight. The bottom picture, on the left was me at 76 lbs. Picture on the right is me now at 128 lbs deadlifting 285-lb. at a recent powerlifting meet!

Strong Is the New Beautiful

Did I mention that Alese is also beautiful—and personable? We spoke about her considerable athletic skills and the drive it took to develop them.

Even though the experience I lived through with my own toxic girly thoughts was terrible, it led me to come full circle, and it birthed my love of powerlifting and also my career as a personal trainer. My struggle ended up being a blessing in the end.

Alese is a wonderful example of a woman who overcame her girly thoughts—the ones that whispered, “No, you can’t” and kept her buried in negativity—and embraced her resilience to achieve her goals. “Now it’s time for me to help others currently struggling with the same issues that once held me down,” she told me, and I’m excited to introduce you to her. Learn more at about Alese and her mission at www.socksandsquats.com, and follow her on Instagram @socksandsquats.

Have you met someone who embodies the idea of personal resilience, someone who overcame her self-defeating and toxic girly thoughts to embrace her personal power? Maybe that someone is you? I invite you to share your story in the comments, or email me at girlythoughtsdetox@gmail.com.

Challenge Toxic Girly Thoughts About Women’s Health—One Conversation At A Time

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
—Gloria Steinman

Are you aware that most drug studies are conducted on men? This has been true for testing even “routine” medications that are taken by both women and men. The reason always given is that women are more complicated because of … wait for it … their hormones. This makes women’s reaction to any medication more variable than men’s. So rather than invest in a more complex study design, companies have routinely taken the cheap way out and just studied men.

Pharmaceutical companies have gotten away with this, even though women are 51 percent of the population. Why, because women as a group haven’t commanded and demanded the attention every one of us deserves.

Women Go Along to Get Along

You’re tired from working during the day and coming home to your second shift. You struggle to make ends meet with lower pay than men. You feel pressured to magically stay young, beautiful, and appealing to your intimate partner forever. So it’s no wonder you aren’t ready to enter into another fight.

An unfortunate effect of internalizing society’s messages about being the good girl into your personal toxic soup of girly thoughts is this complacency, this belief that it’s better to go along to get along. Yet not speaking up has led to some ridiculous outcomes, including acceptance of nonsensical protocols for drug studies.

Why Are Men Used to Test for Drug Interaction for Addyi?

The drug interaction study for the new libido-enhancing drug just for women, Addyi, was tested in clinical studies on 23 men and only 2 women.

Really?

An article titled “Sexism In the Doctor’s Office Starts Here” discusses the common practice of testing pharmaceuticals on a significantly larger percentage of men than women. And this is nothing new: “Women have been excluded or underrepresented in medical and scientific research for as long as those fields have been studied.”

The statistics you’ll read in this article are staggering.

It’s time for women to stop accepting this sexist practice.

Ask Questions—Don’t Listen to Your Toxic Girly Thoughts

You don’t have to be the “good girl” and just accept a drug company’s word that a medication is safe for you. Instead:

When your doctor prescribes a medication, ask:

Has this drug been tested on women?
What are the specific side effects for women?
If you have an investment portfolio (individually or
through a group), ask the investment advisor:
Are drug companies included, and if they are, are women included in their clinical trials and in what percentage?

Imagine 51 percent of the population—women—asking these simple questions. Yes, change can happen if we all begin to challenge our toxic girly thoughts one conversation at a time.